A small-town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked: "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
"Why yes I do know you Mr Stevens. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence?"
"Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too.
I used to babysit him for his parents. And he too has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!"
Classes For Men:
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do they Grow on the Holders?
Round Table Discussion.
Topic 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate by Lifting the Seat Up and Avoid Spraying the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Basket and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Cutlery: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on DVD.
Topic 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support and Support Groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down, While Screaming.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing her Flowers is not Harmful to Your Health.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost.
Real-Life Testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks.
Driving Simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences between Mother and Wife.
Topic 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation, and Breathing Techniques.
Topic 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling when You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
The Toilet Brush
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
A man goes into a party shop and says, "I'd like to hire a costume, I'm going to a fancy dress party as Adam."
The assistant goes in the back and brings out a fig leaf: "There you are sir, That's £5 please" " No, that's not big enough, I need a bigger one." he replies.
The assistant goes and brings back a bigger one. "How's this one sir? it cost's £10." "It's still not big enough, I need something larger." he replies.
The flustered assistant goes and brings back an even larger one. "How's this one sir?, surely this one will suffice, it costs £15."
"No, I won't fit into that, something bigger please" he replies.
Totally fed up now, with the mans antics, the assistant goes and comes back with a hat that says "ESSO" on it. " We have no larger fig leaves, so I recommend you wear this, sling it over your shoulder and go as a petrol pump!"
Comic Dictionary - C
Calendar - Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Carefully - Variety of cheese made to exacting standards.
Catalyst - Several cows names written in alphabetical order.
Chicken - A creature you eat before its born, and after its dead.
Cocktail Party - A gathering where you spear olives and stab friends.
Cognition - That which is used to start your brain in the morning.
Condescend - A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope.
Constipation - To have and to hold.
Conscience - What hurts when all your other parts feel great.
Cosmetics - A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Court of Law - A place where a suit is pressed and a man may be taken to the cleaners.
Coward - One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
A Jewish boy is walking with his girlfriend in the grounds of his fathers house. His Father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girlfriend's feet.
"What's this?" she asked. "Taste it" the boy replied. "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one."
Answer Machine Messages
The English Foundation - "This is the literacy self-test hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word, Supercilious."
Hypnotist - "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel hopelessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
Lunatic - "Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone. I'll get back to you when I return to my senses."
Mad Scientist - "The machine answering this message is connected to a 5,000 volt power supply and a relay, which is wired to this small kitten (Sound of a kitten meowing). If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is yours."
MI6 Agent - This is John's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a serious crime and be brought to the attention of Scotland Yard."
Psychic Hotline - "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
Suicidal Man - "Sorry, I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you, I guess..."
A baby rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.
This adoption led to some peculiar behaviour on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to skip jumping and embrace running around like its step-siblings.
As the rabbit passed through puberty, it faced an identity crisis. It went to its foster-parents to discuss the problem. It explained how it felt different from its brothers and sisters, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally down in the dumps.
The father squirrel sat down, cracked another nut and said: "It's not all that bad, don't scurry, be hoppy."
A drunken bum has too much to drink one night in his local. He can hardly stand up, but he knows that he absolutely has to take a piss.
He staggers over to the toilets, getting his dick out as he does so. He crashes through the door, dick in hand, only to bump into two women because he's stumbled into the ladies instead.
One of the women screams and shouts, "This is for ladies, my good man." As he fumbles to put his dick away, he replies, "So is this, love!"
The new Euro language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!