Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
A man walks into a chemist. He says : "I'd like to buy a 1cm long condom, please". Whilst laughing, the assistant replies : "That would only fit a mouse", to which the man says : "I know, but my house is fucking overrun with them"
A father is talking with his son. His son says : "Dad, where do babies come from?"
"They come from the stork, son"
His son replies : "And who fucks the stork?"
A Man comes home from an exhausting day at work,plops down on the couch in front of the television,and tells his wife"get me a beer before it starts"the wife sighs and gets him a beer.Fifteen minutes later he says"get me another beer before it starts"She looks annoyed,but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says"Quick,get me another beer,its about to start any minute"By now his wife is furious.She yells at him"IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO TONIGHT?DRINK BEER AND SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV?YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LAZY,DRUNKEN,FAT SLOB,AND FURTHERMORE......"The man rolls his eyes,sighs and says"f**king hell,its started"
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Paul McCartney, Pete Townsend, and Mick Jagger were comparing gifts that they had received over the years. Paul showed the other two a ring made with jewels cut and fitted into the shape of a beetle and said he had received it from the Queen as a thank you for sharing his music. They both agreed it was impressive.
Pete Townsend showed the other two a necklace with gold letters an inch high that spelled 'Tommy' and said that he received it as a thank you for composing the rock opera. They both agreed it was impressive.
Mick Jagger then showed the other two a loaf of brown bread and said that he had received it after concerts in Algiers. Paul and Peter said that it was nice but not as impressive as their gifts.
Mick said 'I know, it's only a Moroccan roll but I like it, like it, yes I do.'
A chap drops down dead and St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.They walk through the gates into a gigantic hall and al laround them are wall mounted clocks with mens names under them,stretching for miles."every time a man has sex on earth" St Peter explains"the hands on his clock move round a click". the bloke says "cool",after looking around for a bit he asks"whers Mark Owens clock?"St Peter replies"its in the office,we use it as a fan"
I've finally decided to retire after a long career as a graffiti artist.To be fair,the writing's been on the wall for some time.
A gypsy passes away and goes up to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates, and St Peter meets him at the entrance. St Peter says "I don't think you're supposed to be up here are you? - Hang on, I'll just go and check with the boss."
When St Peter returns, the gypsy has gone...... and so have the pearly gates...
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"