A guy moved in his new Czech girlfriend, but it took her 5 days till she hovered his house. Turned out she was a Slovak.
A bloke decided to wake his wife with a gentle f**k. He whispered it in her ear, followed by a gentle you.
I just hired a totally uncomfortable car. It Hertz likes hell.
On a couples wedding anniversary, a blokes wife asked him if he wanted oral sex or a pair of new shoes. He went head over heels.
My obsession with the Chuckle Brothers is that bad I have just changed my name from Tommy to Hugh....
It was extremely hard for me growing up.
Now I need Viagra...
There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds it's an Indian laying on the ground with his chopper sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.
After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."
A man and his wife were having rampant sex. Fifteen minutes past, then thirty, then forty-five. The sweat was pouring off them and it was becoming clear that neither of them was going to reach orgasm.
Finally the wife said: "What's the matter darling, can't you think of anyone else either?"
What's the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your salary: it comes once a month, lasts between five and seven days, and if it doesn't come, you're f**ked.
A teenage girl confessed: "Mom I'm pregnant."
"How? gasped the mother. "What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures, Well, that's what I did! I took measures a and went with the biggest."
Three married guys died and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter asked the first guy: "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy answered honestly: "Yes, every chance I got."
St Peter pointed to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one.
He then turned to the second guy and asked him: "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times" the guy replied.
St Peter ordered him through door two. Then he asked the third guy:
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy thought for a moment and said:
"Well, there was one time. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they had only one cowgirl working there to look after all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said: "She's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose!"
So that's when I cheated on my wife."
St Peter told him to enter door one. The guy asked: "What's going on? You sent the other guys to door number two."
"I know", said St Peter. "and they're both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas."
A mother took her seven year old son with her to the bank on a lunchtime. They got into line behind an obese woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As the mother waited patiently, her son looked at the woman in front and said loudly: "God she's fat!"
The woman turned round and looked glaringly at the boy. His mother apologised and mildly reprimanded him. A couple of minutes later, he spread his arms as far as they could go and shouted: "I bet her butt is "That" wide!" The woman turned round and glared menacingly at the boy. His mother gave him another good telling off.
Another couple of minutes later, he shouted loudly: " Look how the fat hangs over her belt" The woman turned round fuming and told the mother to control her son. The mother severely berated him, and he promised to behave.
After a short lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her pager began to emit it's distinctive tone, at which the boy yelled in panic: "Run for your life mum, she's backing up!"
A tourist driving through Mexico got the shock of his life when from behind a cactus, out jumped a huge Mexican gringo brandishing a 44 magnum.
"Take my money! My car! Don't kill me!" he pleaded.
"You do as I say , I no kill you" replied the gringo. "Unzip your pants and start wanking yourself. Now!"
The shocked tourist did as he was ordered. On completion of the job, the Mexican stuffed the gun under his nose and said: "Do it again, Now!
With sweat pouring down his face, he managed another effort, before finally falling exhausted onto the sandy ground.
"Right!" said the gringo. "Now you can give my sister a ride to the next village!"
I got stopped driving last night by a copper.
"What have you got in your boot?" he asked
I said " My foot and my sock"
"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
An Italian called Mario, got himself a job on a ranch. After a couple of days the other ranch hands complained to the boss about him.
"He's weird" they told him. "He sat down for lunch yesterday, took out a Coke bottle and proceeded to piss in it, then began drinking it with his lunch! Then this morning he had hold of your wife's cat and was biting the back of it's neck!"
The boss walked out into the field to talk to him, and as he approached Mario he had hold of one of the steers and was looking up it's arse.
"Mario, what's the problem?" asked the boss. "Everyone's worried about your behaviour."
"There's no problems" he replied. "I justa wanna be one of da boys."
"What do you mean?" questioned the boss.
"Well", he said, "I metta three Aussie guys in Italy anda they tolda me to be one of da boys ya gotta do three things. First, you gotta drinka the piss, next you gotta bite da pussy, anda den you gotta listen to the bullshit."
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
A man and a woman were seated at a bar, both drinking champagne. Neither had met before. After a while the man turned to the woman and said: "I see you're drinking champagne too. Are you celebrating something?"
"I sure am" she replied. "This is a special day for me. For years I've been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant."
"Congratulations" said the man. "I'm celebrating too. I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman.
"I switched cocks" he replied.
"What a coincidence...."