A man goes for an interview to be a blacksmith. The smithy asks him "Have you ever shoed a horse before?"
"No" the man replies, "but I've told a donkey to f**k off!"
A man is driving home through the countryside in an horrible blizzard when he spies a guy buried up to his neck in deep snow. He winds his window down, and shout's to the guy: "Hold on mate, I only live round the corner, I'll pop back shortly with a shovel".
The guy replies: "Well make it a big one, as I'm sat on a bloody horse!"
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."
David Moyes has said it will be hard leaving Everton FC.
Because his car is on bricks....
There's been unconfirmed reports that Wayne Rooney has handed in a written transfer request.
They're unconfirmed as it's written in crayon....
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it`s seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow up doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream. I`m apparently a dirty fucking pervert...
Brian Blessed is going to be plugging his new Gin based cocktail.
It's called "Gordon's Alive!"
I bumped into Jarvis Cocker the other day dressed like Great Uncle Bulgaria. "Alright Jarvis" I said. "Still living like common people I see"
A guy jumps into the back of a black cab in London.
"Waterloo" please mate, he says.
"The Station?" asked the cabbie.
"Well I'm a bit late for the battle aren't I"
Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age!
You Know your Old when In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. You and your teeth don't sleep together. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style. Things you buy now won't wear out. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative. When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. When happy hour is a nap. When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 94 around the golf course. When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "These potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "Are his testicles that big?" , "No" she commented, "they're that dirty"...
BMW have recalled all their cars with a fault.
One was seen with an indicator working!!!
NHS chiefs have advised a crackdown on the way plastic surgery is marketed.
Of course though, the good thing about a crackdown is that it can always be fixed with a bum lift....
A man goes into a bookshop and asks the assistant:
"Do you have any books on how to stop impulse buying?"
"Yes sir, we do"
"Excellent, I'll take 18 copies please."
Girlfriend: "I'm as bright as the brightest star in the night sky."
Boyfriend: "Are you Sirius?"
An old man is sitting on his porch when a driver stops and asks for directions. "How do you get into town?" he called out.
The old man replied: "Usually my son takes me."
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
