An old Deep South farmer was having an horrible year. All of his crops had been lost. Luckily, the peach orchard had prospered well, but he figured the only way he was going to make ends meet was to cut out the middle man and sell his peaches directly to the customer.
So he loaded his truck with peaches and headed into town. Eyeing up a well to do house, he walked up the path with a basket of peaches and knocked on the door.
A hot blonde wearing a slinky robe answered the door.
"Hi honey" she said sexily. "What can I do for you?"
The old farmer gulped: "I have these really nice peaches for sale"
Noticing how flustered the farmer was, the blonde decided to tease him, and opened the top of her robe to reveal her breasts.
"Are those peaches full and firm like these?" she purred.
"Yes" he stammered, sweating profusely. "They're great peaches"
Then she opened the rest of her robe-wide enough to show that she wasn't wearing any panties. "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" she said licking her lips seductively.
The old farmer nearly had a coronary. "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches" he sobbed.
"Honey, why are you crying? she asked.
The old farmer whimpered: "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you're going to f**k me out of my peaches."
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I used risk instead."
A game hunter walked in a bar and started bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. Not only was he a good shot, he alleged that he could recognize any dead game bird or animal pelt simply by feel. Not only that, if he could locate the bullet hole, he could tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The barman challenged him to put his words into practice, so the hunter agreed to prove his skills if the other customers put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him outside to his first pelt. After feeling it for a while, he said:
"Hare" then felt around for the bullet hole and added: "Shot with a .308 rifle. He was dead right.
They walked him to his next skin. He took a little longer this time and then said. "Deer, shot with a 7-mm rifle." He was right again.
For the rest of the evening he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he stumbled home blind drunk and fell into bed. The next morning he got up with a sore head and when he looked in the mirror he found he had one heck of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was pissed last night, but not so pissed that I got in a fight I don't remember. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied: "I gave it to you. You got into bed and woke me up by putting your hand inside my panties. Then you stuck three fingers inside me and shouted, "Skunk killed with an axe."
Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!"...
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A Dad sits his son down for the "Talk"...
"First of all you've got to make sure it's nice and clean. Give it a quick rub and you're almost ready to go!...Don't force it in mind. You might damage something. Make sure it's turned on first and then it will slide straight in. Then son you can relax, get into it, and enjoy your night"...
..."Dad for f**k's sake. I know how to work a DVD player!"
A woman is in a tailors, getting measured for a new coat.
The tailor asks: "Would madam like a belt in the back?"
"I'd love one" the woman replies. "But be quick my husbands waiting in the car."
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Paddy dies in a fire but since he is very badly burnt, the police need help to double-check the identity of the body. Paddy's two best friends, Michael and Shamus are sent for.
Paddy's face has been burnt away, so Michael and Shamus ask the mortician to turn the body over. "No that's not him" says Michael when he sees the corpse's backside. "He's right. It definitely could not be Paddy" says Shamus.
"Are you certain?" asks the mortician. "We have good reason to believe this is Paddy" "It can't be" says Michael. "Paddy had two arseholes."
"How do you know that?" asks the mortician. "Because" says Shamus "Whenever me, Paddy and Michael went into town everyone would say, "Hey look there's Paddy with the two arseholes."
The members of a fox hunt had been specifically requested to bring only male hounds. One member however brought a female hound- the only hound that the member owned. Reluctantly, the other members allowed it to go on the hunt.
The hounds were released and took off in a dash. In only a few seconds they were out of sight altogether. The confused huntsmen stopped to question a farmer in a nearby field.
"Did you see some hounds go by here?"
"Yes" replied the farmer.
"Did you see which way they went?"
"No" answered the farmer, "But it was the first time I've ever seen the fox running in fifth place."