Q: Why was the condom flying through the air?
A: It got pissed off.
What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
Your whoroscope!
A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7. Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes. The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.'' The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4. About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.
''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mom will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mom will give herpes to the mailman, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog!'''
My mate phoned me today sounding very happy, "I've just got the results back from the fucking hospital. I'm fucking cured."
"That's great news," I replied, "but are you sure they haven't got them mixed up with somebody else?"
"Are you deaf, you cunt?" he said. "I just told you I'm fucking cured."
I said, "It sounds like you've still got Tourette's to me."
I was busting for a shit at the petrol station, so passing the counter assistant I said, "Fill her up for me would you?"
"That'll be £302.56," he said on my return.
"What?" I exclaimed. "But the car only takes 40 litres!"
"I know, but your wife needed 58 sausage rolls."
heard the ball boy at swansea is being given a trial at man utd, apprently he can hold the ball longer than de gea !!
A deaf mute man works his way up in the Chinese Triads, collecting protection money on a small patch in Chinatown.
After a few months on the job, he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money. His Triad bosses soon realise they are short by about £50,000. They send their top enforcer to sort it.
The enforcer finds him, and asks where the money is, but they can't communicte properly, so he drags the deaf mute to a chinese cafe owner who knows sign language.
"Ask him where the money is," demands the enforcer. The cafe owner signs to the man, who signs back:
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Go f**k yourself."
The cafe owner relays this to the enforcer, who then pulls out his gun and sticks it in the deaf mutes mouth. "Now ask him again where the money is."
The deaf mute now terrified signs back, "The £50,000 is in the glove compartment of my brown sedan outside."
"What did he say?" says the irate enforcer.
The cafe owner replies: "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He thinks you're a twat who doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger and your mother sucks cocks for money."
Did you hear about the guy who climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to masturbate?
The police didn't know weather to arrest him for indecent exposure or for hijacking.
How is a medieval masturbator like an ocean wave?
They're both pounding serfs.
A family of prostitutes are talking. The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blowjob today."
The mother says, "In my day it was £5"
The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad to get a warm drink."
Whoever said, 'Just be thankful for whatever you have' obviously never heard of herpes...
"The greatest thing about the internet, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." - George Washington.
They reckon you can't judge a book by it's cover.
I can.
Anything with a picture of a rose and a glass of wine on it is gonna be shit...
A woman is in labour, screaming in pain and ranting and raving at everybody in the maternity ward.
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me you bastard"
He replies casually, "If you recall my sweet, i wanted to stick it up your arse." But you said, "F**k off, it'll be too painful."
I clicked on one of those pop-up adverts on how to get an amazing body...
Turns out it's Photoshop.
Last night I setup a Google Analytics account for my girlfriends website. As I went to view the statistics a day later I decided to speed up time by searching google. Subconsciously when doing google searches I type in the first part of the word and pray that google will work out the rest for me.
To my surprise my girlfriend dumped me when she checked the browser history....
I have a new religion - I go around knocking on doors trying to convince people not to eat Warburton's or Kingsmill.
I'm a Hovis Witness....
An old man wakes up in the middle of the night and finds that his dick is as hard as rock for the first time in years.
He wakes his wife and shows her his erection. "Look at that?" he says beaming with pride. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
The wife replies, "Well seeing as you've got all the wrinkles out, now might be a good time to wash it."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked."
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him!"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!
He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy.
Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Dad's crack!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"