The villiage idiot took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques road show.
"Ooh," said the expert. "This is a very rare set, produced by the taxidermists John's Brothers,
who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Have you any idea what they'd fetch in good condition?"
"Sticks," the idiot replied.
A Bride and Groom are in their honeymoon suite, preparing for their first night of passion. The bride says "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and that I don't know anything about sex, so could you explain it to me."
"Ok babe, in simple terms, we will call your private place "The Prison" and my private thing "The Prisoner". So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
With that, they undressed each other, and made passionate love for the fist time. Afterwards the groom is laid on the bed smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him his Bride giggles: "Darling, the prisoner seems to have escaped." "Well we'll have to re-imprison him again" the groom replies.
After another vigorous session, the groom falls back on the bed, and reaches for his cigarettes, but his bride gives him a suggestive smile and says: "Darling, the prisoner is out again"
Using every last ounce of energy and will power, he gets hard again and they have another hot session. Afterwards he flops back on the bed totally exhausted. But once again his bride nudges him and again says: "Honey, the prisoner is free again."
He turns to her and Yells: "Keep the doors shut for a while, it's not a bloody life sentence. Ok!"
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.
Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.....
As a sign of respect to Sir Alex Ferguson announcing his retirement, all Premier League games this weekend are to have a minutes applause in the 102nd minute....
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Q: How does a blonde order a root beer?
A: Extra large, hold the roots.
Q: What can popsicles do that men can't?
A: Come in five flavors.
Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
"I was desperate for a shit today." said one bear to another.
"I nearly didn't make it back to the woods."
With the news of Sir Alex Fergusons retirement, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester City are in a bidding war to sign Howard Webb....
Jose Mourinho has dropped the biggest hint yet that he is going to take over from Sir Alex Ferguson next season.
He was spotted buying a new watch....
A puny man went for a job as a lumberjack, but the head lumberjack told him: "Sorry pal you're too weak."
"I may look weak" he protested. But I can assure you I'm not. At least give me a chance to show you what I can do."
"Ok then, see that giant redwood over there. "Lets see you chop it down."
Half an hour later, to the amazement of the head lumberjack, the giant redwood was lying on it's side.
"Where did you learn to cut trees down like that?"
"The Sahara Forest" he replied
"You mean the Sahara Desert?
"Sure, If that's what they call it now."
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
A Clitoris slides into a butchers shop and says:
"Morning, can I have some tongue please."
Woman: "Oh, doctor, everyone calls me a nymphomaniac."
Doctor: "I understand, but I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my penis."
A hot waitress is taking a mans order in a burger bar. "I can make it large for you sir, for an extra 50 pence." she says to the man.
"You already have love" he replies. "So how about a wank for a pound."
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"