Like Cats And Dogs
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
Brenda is on her deathbed. She calls in her husband Stan for a last few words. "Stan" she says, "When you go the funeral, will you do me a great favour and sit next to my mother?"
"Your mother?" exclaims Stan. "I haven't spoken to that old bat in years."
"I know" sniffs Brenda, "but it would make me so happy to think that you might become friends after I've gone. Will you do it for me Stan? Will you sit next to her and keep her company?"
Stan fumes, but realises he has no choice. "Okay, okay," he snaps. "I'll do it, but I'll tell you this much; It's going to ruin the whole day for me..."
WORK Virus!
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
A creative writing class is asked to write an essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The winning essay read: "My God" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A bloke's wife lets him subscribe to two magazines: National Geographic and Mayfair. Both allowed him to see places he'd never get to visit.
Irish Declare War On France
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
A husband is reading a paper in the front room when his wife sticks her head round the door. "Here" she says, "a black cat's just walked into the kitchen."
"That's all right" he replies. "Black cats are lucky." "Not this one" she says. "This one's just crapped in your shoes."
Mary wants to help her husband give up cigarettes. So she asks her friend Jill for advice.
She suggests that she limits her husband's smoking to a post-sex cigarette. Mary decides to give it a go and tells her husband that in future, he can only smoke a cigarette after they make love.
A week later, Jill sees Mary hobbling down the street, bow-legged using two sticks to support herself.
"You look terrible, what happened to you?" asks Jill.
"I took your advice about the smoking" replies Mary, "but so far, I've only been able to get him down to 20 a day."
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
A tourist is driving through the Australian Bush when he sees a man having sex with a kangaroo. Appalled, he heads back towards town to report the incident, but on the way he's shocked to see another man having sex with a kangaroo, and then another.
Disgusted, he drives into town, only to see a man with a wooden leg masturbating outside a pub. The tourist pulls up outside the police station and accosts a sergeant:
"I was out in the bush and I saw three men having sex with kangaroos!"
"Did you?" says the sergeant.
"Yes. And then I saw a man with a wooden leg masturbating in the street. How can you tolerate such filthy behaviour?"
"Well be fair mate," replies the sergeant. "How's the poor bastard going to catch a kangaroo in his condition?"
My girlfriend just unzipped my jeans, pulled out my cock and started having a stroke.Talk about bad timing, I was getting quite aroused before her face fell on one side.
After 20 years of marriage I'm still getting blow jobs....just hope the wife never finds out.
Perhaps the biggest difference between men and women is the understanding of the term 'facial'.