ET's been caught shoplifting. I always knew he light fingered.
Hedgehogs: Why can't they be nice and share the hedge.
I was at the waxworks in London, when all of a sudden I had to turn and leg it due to a woman coming at me swinging a pair of giant blades. I discovered later it was Madame Two Swords.
I was considering investing in a Chinese Distillery, but decided against it. It was Whisky Business!
A young man went to the underwear department of a men's store with a complaint. He was attended to by a female assistant.
"I want to return these underpants please."
"Certainly sir. What's wrong with them?"
"They're....not suitable."
"In what way sir?"
"Well, I'll put it this way. Do you know St Pauls Cathedral?"
"Yes, of course."
"And do you know the ballroom underneath?"
"Wait a minute. There's no ballroom underneath."
"Right. And that's just what's wrong with these underpants."
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
A drunk stumbles on to a baptismal service by the river. The minister notices him and says: "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yesh, your honour, I shur am" replied the drunk.
The minister grabs hold of him drags him in the river and dunks his head under the water and pulls him back up. "Have you found Jesus" he asks.
"No, I shur didn't" says the drunk.
The minister dunks him under again and says: "Brother have you found Jesus yet?"
"Not at all shur" the drunk slurs again.
The minister holds him down for half a minute, and brings him up again. "Sinner, have you still not found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says: "Nope. Are ya sure this is where he fell in."
Penis Promotion
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Request denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early
Euphemisms for "Your Flies Are Open."
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
You've got Windows in your laptop.
Your soldier isn't so unknown now.
Elvis Junior has left the building.
I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
You got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
A priest offered a nun a ride home in his car. She climbed into the passenger seat and crossed her legs, thereby revealing a glimpse of flesh beneath her gown.
The priest was immediately overcome with lust and slyly slid his hand up her lower leg.
"Father!" said the nun, "Remember Psalm 129."
The priest removed his hand but when he next changed gear, he seized the opportunity to slide his hand up her lower leg again.
"Father!" repeated the nun, "Remember Psalm 129."
The priest apologised. "I'm truly sorry, sister, but the temptation was too much. I am only human after all."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. When he reached his church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said: "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
A couple were having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to see the doctor. He examined them and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position.
The man said, "What is that?" The doctor replied, "Just watch a couple of dogs and do like they do."
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won’t do that." The doctor replied, "Try giving her a glass of wine or two and she will lose all inhibition."
Some months later, the doctor met the man, pushing a pram.
"I see it worked!" the doctor said. "Yes it did, Doc, but now the problem is my wife is an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, every time we did it, it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front garden!
On his way too school each day, a boy had to walk past a whorehouse.
One of the hookers always sat outside and when the boy passed by, she would call out "Hiya, kid" while wiggling her little finger at him.
After this had happened a few times, he asked her why she always wiggled her little finger at him.
"Well" she laughed, That's about the size of your privates, isn't it?"
The next day the boy walked by and once again the hooker shouted out: "Hiya kid" and wiggled her little finger.
Putting his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips as wide as they would go, he called back: "How you doing lady?"
Tibetan monks have it hard where celibacy is concerned. One can hardly sneak out to the knocking shop when you are closeted in a monestry high in the Himalayas.
One novice monk assigned to such an isolated existence became curious when he noticed several of his colleagues sneaking out the back gate with a little parcel under their arms. Which to him meant a gift for an anticipated favour.
He followed them down to the stables and was momentarily alarmed to find the monks lining up to have their wicked way with a Yak.
He joined the end of the queue and eventually had his turn.
"Well?" said the Yak when he was finished, "where is my present?"
A little embarrassed the monk said he hadn't brought one.
"Typical" the Yak protested, "another case of fuck you Yak I'm alright"