Two mental patients, Harry and Jim, are waiting for an interview with their doctor. If they can answer two simple questions they've been told they will be free to leave the asylum.
Harry goes in for his interview. "Harry" says the doctor. "If I were to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind" replies Harry"
"And what would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind" replies Harry.
"Well done Harry" says the doctor and sends Harry out of the room and prepares the paperwork for his release. Meanwhile Harry whispers the answers to Jim.
Jim goes in for his interview. "Jim, what would happen if I cut off your ear?" asks the doctor.
"I would be blind in one eye" Jim replies.
"I see" replies the puzzled doctor. "And what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be totally blind" answers Jim.
"Why do you think you'd be blind if you had no ears?" the doctor asks.
Jim ponders for a moment and replies: "Because my hat would fall over my eyes."
An attractive woman in her forties was standing at the bar when she turned to the man next to her and purred: "I love the strong silent type."
Thinking he was being chatted up, he replied: "You mean a man like me?"
"No" she said moving away, "Farts - like the one I've just done."
Two married men were discussing there sex lives. One asked:
"Does your wife ever let you do it doggie fashion?"
"Not exactly" replied the second guy. "She's more into doing doggy tricks."
"Wow!" replied the first guy. "What does that entail? Sounds pretty kinky."
"Sadly it's not. Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead."
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."
A man is called for an interview with the Inland Revenue and asks his accountant for advice.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you're a pauper" says the accountant.
The man then asks his lawyer. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie" the lawyer tells him.
Confused, the man goes to see his priest to get his opinion. "Let me tell you a story" says the priest.
"A woman about to be married, asks her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck" she tells her. But when she asked her best fiend she said, "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."
"I don't get it" the man replies. "What has all that have to do with the Inland Revenue?"
The priest replies: "The moral of the story is this. Whatever you wear you're still going to get screwed."
At school Little Jimmy learns a neat trick from older boy. "All grown-ups have a secret" says the boy. "All you have to do is pretend you know what it is and you can get anything you want."
When Jimmy gets home he decides to try it out. As his mother is making his tea, he eyes her sternly and says "I know the whole truth."
His mother blushes and reaches in her purse and gives him £10. "Just don't tell your father" she whispers.
Elated at this outcome, when his father arrives home from work, he meets him in the hallway and says "I know the whole truth."
His father quickly hands him £20 from his wallet and says. "Don't breathe a word to your mother." Jimmy is ecstatic and he can't wait to try the trick on the next adult he comes across.
The next morning, he meets the milkman on the front doorstep and says, "I know the whole truth".
The Milkman smiles broadly, then opens his arms. "Come over here" he replies. "Give your Daddy a big hug!"
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury round her stables, when a stallion let go with a resounding fart that felt like it rattled the windows, it was that loud.
"Oh dear" said The Queen blushing, "I'm frightfully sorry about that"
"Think nothing of it Ma'am" said the Archbishop. "Actually I thought it was the horse."
Father Murphy was sent to a small Eskimo village in the northern wastes of Alaska. After a year the bishop paid him a visit.
"How do you stand the weather my son?" asked the bishop.
"Oh I don't care how cold it gets" replied Father Murphy, "I have my Rosary and my vodka to keep me warm"
"That's good" said the bishop. "Come to mention it, I wouldn't mind a vodka right now."
"No problem" he replied. "Hey Rosary, bring two vodkas pronto."
Jack and Jill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son