A bloke goes to hospital with a light bulb hanging out of his arse.
"How did this happen?" asked the nurse.
"I had a really shit idea" he replied.
At a local Sunday football match, the ref sent a guy off inside the first five minutes. "Ref, come on" the guy said, as the opposing player writhed in agony on the floor. "I got the f**king ball.
"I know you did" said the ref. "Part of his scrotum is hanging from your studs."
Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
I live in a flat, you stupid twat, so how the f**k would I know.
A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion." Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!", to which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in." Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.
Then along comes a Jamaican, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner." To which the guy responds in a thick accent, "Actually I was invited!","Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion." The guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"
A man drove his car into a ditch on a quiet country lane. Luckily a farmer was passing by with a horse.
"Excuse me", said the man. "But could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?"
"Bison's a strong horse" replied the farmer. "We'll see what we can do"
The farmer hitched Bison to the car and said: "Pull Samson, pull". Bison didn't move an inch.
Then the farmer said: "Pull Troy, pull" Again Bison didn't move at all.
The farmer then said: "Pull Bison, pull" And Bison pulled the car effortlessly from the ditch.
The man was grateful but puzzled. "Tell me, why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"
"Ah, well said the farmer, "you see, Bison is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
A Mother Superior is praying in the chapel when she hears a substantial amount of laughing and giggling outside.
Looking through a chink in the stained glass, she sees all the sisters riding around on their new bikes, and having a great deal of fun.
To concentrate on her praying, she goes outside and says:
"Sisters please! A bit more quiet or you'll all have to put your saddles back."
What was the name of the Russian who invented a cure to help the common cold?
Benylin Forchestikov
Bilbo Baggins is dead - I read it in the hobbituary column.
A mum walk's into her son's bedroom to find him naked on all fours, sliding a ruler in and out of his arse. "What the hell?" his mum yells.
"Don't get alarmed mum" he replies. "It's Just a foot fetish I have."
I've just finished writing a Darwinian style book on Asian Evolution.
It's called: "Thailand: The Origin Of The He/She's."
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
A guy dies and goes to hell. The Devil greets him warmly at the gates and they enter a long corridor. As they walk along the devil explains: "Now you're in Hell, you must choose wisely the manner in which you will spend all eternity. I will show you a selection of three rooms and you must choose one."
The Devil opens the first door and the man peers in. An endless circle of the damned are walking around barefoot on hot coals with huge weights strapped to their backs. "Oh I don't fancy that at all" the man says. "Take me to the next room"
The Devil opens the second door and the man looks in and sees the damned walking on broken glass, with little imps sticking their forks in their butts. "Oh no I couldn't face that" says the man. "Take me to the next room."
The devil opens the final room, and the man is surprised to see the damned standing around, up to their armpits in shit, drinking coffee.
"That looks mighty fine to me" the man says. "I'll stay here for all eternity. "Very well" says the Devil, closing the door behind him.
"Hmm, this isn't so bad" thinks the man as a demon hands him a cup of coffee. Suddenly the demon supervisor calls out on his megaphone: "All right everybody, coffee breaks over!. Back on your heads!"
The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills!!!
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."