A dwarf gets into an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.
In steps a very large man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."
The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."
The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
I was walking along the street the other day when I saw an old Egyptian guy stood in the middle of the road, waving his bare arse at all the traffic. I thought god "It's Tooting Car Moon"
South Pole 1912
Scott turns to Oates and says: "I fear we're lost old chap. Can I borrow your compass?"
Oates replies: "We're dying in a blizzard, you daft get, this is no time to start drawing f**cking circles.
Gandalf: "A wizard is never late Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means too."
Frodo: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams...
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Indiana Jones survived a nuclear attack by hiding in a domestic fridge which was propelled several miles at great speed over rocky terrain, before he opened the door and walked away without a scratch! Right that's my plan of nuclear safety sorted, when it goes tits up in North Korea, I'm off to Comet!."
A hot blonde goes to the doctors and tells him:
"Oh doctor it's awful, every time I hear a Jim Carrey quote I get so horny that I rip my clothes off and shag the nearest thing to me!"
The doctor replies: Smooooking!
I just saw a Nazi drive past me doing 85mph!
He was most probably going back to the Fuhrer!
The FBI are considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir." The interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?", he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
One very hot dry day, a local cowboy visited the reservation. He went there from time to time to mingle with the Indians. There was this one Indian that the cowboy has become friends with. This Indian from pretty much a loner from all the other tribe. He was all alone, his parents got killed in battle, an he had no squaw that he claimed as his own. This cowboy felt sorry for the lonely Indian. He told him that he could help him overcome being so lonely. But, he would have to go into the nearby town. Told him to go into the town saloon and walk up to the bar. There would be a lady standing behind the bar. Tell her that you want a woman, she will take care of you. I will tell her to be expecting you. Next day the Indian went into town and walked up to the bar in the saloon. The Indian began this conversation with the lady. Indian: Me want a woman. Lady: How much money do you have? Indian: What is money! Lady: It is something that you must have to spend time with one of my girls. She explained to the Indian what money was. So the Indian left and told her that he would return. A couple of days pasted and the Indian returned. He approached the bar. Indian: Me want a woman. Lady: Did you get you any money? Indian: Yea, me got plenty of money. Lady: Do you have any experience with a woman? Indian: What you mean by experience? Lady: You have to be experienced to spend time with my girls. The Lady explained to the Indian how he could get his experience. Lady: You go to the mountains and find a big tree. Make sure it is one that has a knot hole in it. You will be able to get all the experience you wish. Then when you feel that you have all the experience that you can get. You can come back here and I will have one of my girls take care of your needs. The Indian left the town and went up into the mountains. One week passed by before the Indian returned. The next week the Indian returned to the saloon. He was very angry and very aggressive with the lady behind the counter. Indian: Me want a woman, an me want woman right now! Lady: Have you gotten any experience since you were here last? Indian: Me got all kinds of experience, an a bag full of money. Me want woman now. Lady: All right! Follow me to the top of the stairs. The Indian followed her to the top of the steps to a door. He opened the door and there stood the most lovely woman he had ever seen. He closed the door behind him and walked up to the woman. She asked, "What would you like for me to do?" The woman began removing all of her clothes also the Indian. The Indian asked, "Turn around and bend-em over and touch your toes." She liked that ideal, so she turned around and bent over like the Indian ask. The Indian stepped up behind the woman and pulled back his leg and kicked her in the ass. The woman jumped up in surprise. She ask the Indian, "What in the hell did you have to do that for?" The Indian looked at the woman and replied, "me checking for bees in that knot hole."
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
A young brides mother had some old fashioned views on marriage and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude" she urged. "You should always wear something." "Yes Mother" she replied obediently.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her husband were about to go up to bed when he asked: "Honey, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of" she said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well we've been married for two weeks now, and every night you've worn that stupid hat to bed."
A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. The French husband says to his wife "pass the honey, honey." The Italian man says to his wife "Pass the sugar, sweety." The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife "pass the bacon you fat fucking pig".
A artichoke, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The artichoke said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar. The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!
A Farmer was in his machinery barn one day, doing a sexy striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act.
"What the hell?" exclaimed the farmhand.
"Oh my" replies the farmer, looking really embarrassed.
"The thing is myself and the wife haven't been getting on lately, so my therapist advised I should do something to a tractor."
A girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from a vegetarian club. I was confused as I'd never met herbivore."