A Bloke says to his four-year-old son: "Now what noise does a cat make?. "Miaow" he replies.
"Good, now what about a dog?
"Woof, Woof"
"Spot on. Now what about a cow?"
"Dave, if you even think about going to that f**king pub with your mates, you can forget about ever being let back in this house."
"That's my boy!"
Suspecting his crew of deliberately starting fires, the Fire chief warned: "There's too much arson about in this station.
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features.
When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man.
If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple....
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
I spent my youth trying to attain wealth. Now I'm spending my wealth trying to attain youth!
Nudist Camp....two words that really do not belong together.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"
A ship sank and there were only five survivors - Four men and one woman. They were washed up on a desert island, where they set about building shelter and finding food.
After a few weeks the natural urges of the me began to take hold, so with the agreement of the woman they decided that each could have the right to have sex with her for a week at a time.
This worked well for a few years- the men and the woman were satisfied with the arrangement. Then the woman died. The men took it badly - the first month was awful, the second even worse and the third, was almost unbearable. By the fourth month they couldn't take any more- so they buried her!
A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot on their holiday and took it to their room, but the bridegroom became annoyed with the bird when it kept up a running commentary on his lovemaking skills. Finally he threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the bird to the zoo if it didn't stay quiet.
Early next morning, while packing to return home, they couldn't get the large suitcase to close.
"You get on top and I'll try" the groom said. But that didn't work. The bride figured they needed more weight on top to shut it. "Darling, You get on top and I'll try" she said. Still no success.
Finally the annoyed groom said: "Look, lets both get on top"
At that point the parrot used it's beak to pull the towel off the cage and said: "Zoo or no zoo, I just have to see this!"
Slangs and Definitions.
AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed hair but still has a black box.
BOBFOC - Body off "Baywatch", Face off "Crimewatch.
DOUBLE- BASS - A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, fiddles with her nipples with one hand, and her clitoris with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double-bass, but the sound produced is slightly different).
ETCH-A-SKETCH - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLOVE-COMBAT - A vigorous masturbation session.
MINE SHAFT - What a German calls his penis.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot that when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!
PICASSO ARSE - A woman who's knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.
SELF-DECEPTION - Faking orgasm during masturbation.
TITANIC - A lady who goes down first time out.
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
As I looked at my sexy receptionist bent over my desk, with her skirt pulled up and her panties pulled halfway down, one thought wouldn't leave my mind.
I really like drawing pictures at work....
I often sit and think about life's great mysteries.
Why are we here? Are we alone in the universe? Is there life after death? And...
Why do you only ever see one abandoned shoe at the side of road?
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
What is the mating call of a blond? I'm so drunk. What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde gone yet? What is ther mating call of a redhead? NEXT!
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."