18-05-2010, 12:36
The devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven vs Hell. God says, "We'll win hands down; all the greatest players who ever lived are up here." The devil replies, "That's true - but I've got all the referees and linesmen!"
Recent satellite images have shown a new ash cloud appearing over London. The latest reports show it's nothing to worry about, its just thousands of Spurs fans blowing dust off their passports
Bob gets invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is 'emotions.' Worried about what to dress as, he rings his mate Keith to discuss it. "Don't worry," says Keith, "I know what we can do." On Friday night, they stand at the doorstep of the party and ring the bell. The host answers the door to find Bob totally naked with a bowl of custard over his privates, and Keith with a pear over his plonker. "What are you two meant to be?" asks the host. "I'm f**kin' dis'custard," says Bob. "And I've come in dis'pear!" says Keith.
A man doing market research knocks on a door. It's answered by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" _"Yes," replies the woman, "My husband and I use it all the time for sex." The researcher is a little taken back. He replies, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a bike chain or to help with a gate hinge. But I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I lifted the tail and shouted to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!" says the bloke.
Why should Guy Fawkes have a better reputation?
He's the only bloke in history to enter Parliament with honest intentions.
What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Dave can't believe it when he gets to the final round of his favourite gameshow. "Congratulations Dave," says the host, "Answer this correctly and you go home with one million pounds! This is a two-part question on English history. The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" _ Dave decides to play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first," he says hesitantly. The host nods approvingly, and opens the envelope containing the question. "Okay Dave, here's your question: And in what year did it happen?"
How do you know if Lily Allen is at your door? Because she can't find the right key and doesn't know when to come in.
Recent satellite images have shown a new ash cloud appearing over London. The latest reports show it's nothing to worry about, its just thousands of Spurs fans blowing dust off their passports
Bob gets invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is 'emotions.' Worried about what to dress as, he rings his mate Keith to discuss it. "Don't worry," says Keith, "I know what we can do." On Friday night, they stand at the doorstep of the party and ring the bell. The host answers the door to find Bob totally naked with a bowl of custard over his privates, and Keith with a pear over his plonker. "What are you two meant to be?" asks the host. "I'm f**kin' dis'custard," says Bob. "And I've come in dis'pear!" says Keith.
A man doing market research knocks on a door. It's answered by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" _"Yes," replies the woman, "My husband and I use it all the time for sex." The researcher is a little taken back. He replies, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a bike chain or to help with a gate hinge. But I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I lifted the tail and shouted to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!" says the bloke.
Why should Guy Fawkes have a better reputation?
He's the only bloke in history to enter Parliament with honest intentions.
What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Dave can't believe it when he gets to the final round of his favourite gameshow. "Congratulations Dave," says the host, "Answer this correctly and you go home with one million pounds! This is a two-part question on English history. The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" _ Dave decides to play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first," he says hesitantly. The host nods approvingly, and opens the envelope containing the question. "Okay Dave, here's your question: And in what year did it happen?"
How do you know if Lily Allen is at your door? Because she can't find the right key and doesn't know when to come in.