Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, “I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?”, I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: “You’ve won my trust”
- Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
When my wife told me that Scandanavian languages don't have the letter R. I immediately thought... No way !
One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach.
The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!"
The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh."
The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out!
The genie streched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The first blonde steps forward. "Ok, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter."
The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette.
The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead.
The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber."
The genie turns her into a man.
When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!
There are three girls going to a water park for the day. One is brunette, one is a redhead and the last is a blonde. When they get to the park, they see a Magic Wishing Slide. They decide to give it a go.
The brunette is the first to go down the slide. She yells 'Monneeeeeeeey!!!'. When she shoots out of the end of the slide, she lands in a pool of money.
The redhead is next. She slides down and
yells 'Chocccollate!!!'. When she shoots out of the end, she landed in a pool of chocolate.
The blonde slides down screaming 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'. When she shoots out of the end, she lands in a pool of...
...
...
...
...
WEE!!!
In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.
The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave."
"No" They blonde replies.
"Why not?" questions the waiter.
"The carton says "concentrate".
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'
I explained to the doctor,"Whenever I harvest our cornfields,I get really bad headaches."
"It's Migraine," he explained.
"No,It's mine-and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"
Q:What do you call a female clown?
A:A Clunt
I really enjoyed my holiday to Chernobyl.
But,ever since I got back I've had had this strange pain in my wing.
My Boss is getting pretty pissed off with me,Whenever I see a fire exit I can't help myself,I dash out and stand by the designated Fire & Assembly point.
I suffer from premature evacuation.
My brash,amateur magician brother said he could easily do the old 'Catch the bullet in the teeth' trick.
That's the first & last time he shoots his mouth off.
"I saw some impressive strokes today,"I said to my mate down the pub.
"Been watching the Olympic swimming then?" he asked.
"No,I work at the nursing home,"I said.
This fat bird came up to me in a pub last night and said "Hey stud,what's the chances of me getting you in the sack tonight?"
"Absolutely none at all you fat twat."
"Your so wrong!"she said,as she took aim and kicked me in the bollocks.