Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
Ninety-year old Brenda was clinically depressed over the recent death of her husband, Stan. She was so despondent that she decided that she didn't want to go on: she would just kill herself and join him in death.
So she took out Stan's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Fearing that she might just miss the vital organ and become a huge burden on someone else, she called the NHS helpline to enquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The voice on the other end said: "Your heart is just below your left breast." Later that evening poor Brenda was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
An Englishman is on holiday in the American mid-west. He wanders into a local bar and has a few beers. After a while he notices there's one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.
The barman says "Be my guest." The Englishman climbs on and the bull starts moving. "No ones ever made it past five minutes on their first try, Limey" the barman warns him. To everyone's amazement however the Englishman sails through the five-minute mark. He blasts past ten and fifteen, and even after twenty minutes is still holding on.
The locals are awestruck. He's fast approaching the world record. The barman cranks the bull up to eleven and it goes mad, but the Englishman hangs on, unfazed. Eventually, after forty-five minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the Englishman and shoves a microphone in his face. "Holy Shit, boy!", you've broke the world record by a clear fifteen mimutes!" How do you do that?"
"Easy" the Englishman replies, "I'm married to an epileptic. If you can f**k her for five minutes, you can ride anything."
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.
Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, "No change yet."
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
An infant school teacher was giving her English class. She repeated to her pupils:
"Mary had a little lamb.
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go."
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line from:
"The lamb was sure to go" to "The lamb went with her."
A few days later, she asked her class for an example of poetry or prose. Little Jimmy raised his hand and recited:
"Mary had a little pig,
An ordinary little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes,
And smelled her little...."
He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose" the teacher said panicking.
So Jimmy continued ".....arsehole."
Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.
Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.
There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A tramp finds a £5 note in the gutter, so off he goes to the off-licence and buys himself a bottle of white wine. After knocking it back, the tramp collapses in a drunken stupor in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing gay happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Feeling horny he whips down the tramps trousers and pants and gives him a good seeing too. As he his about to leave, he feels a pang of conscience and tucks a £5 note into the tramps hand.
After coming round the tramp sees the fiver. Hardly believing his good luck, he races back to the off-licence and buys another bottle of white wine. He knocks it all back once more, staggers along and passes out in the same alleyway. As if by chance, the same gay is passing and again spies the tramp. Unable to contain his urges he again whips the tramps pants down and gives the tramp another good seeing too. Again he leaves a £5 note in the tramps hand.
The tramp wakes up, sees the fiver and skips back full of elation to the off-licence. The sales assistant now getting used to him, automatically reaches for a bottle of white wine, but to his surprise the tramp says: "No thanks, I'll have a bottle of red."
"Why the change?" the assistant asks. The tramp replies: "I like white wine, but Christ almighty, it doesn't half make your ring piece sore."
The four stages of man: infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence
When my wife and I got divorced we split the house....I got the outside.
At night I can hear apple pie and sometimes ice cream calling me from the fridge, strangely broccoli keeps very quiet.
Time for the pub and a quiet beer.....followed by 8 noisy ones!