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"I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming, I'm going to store you in my cheek, girl." - Schmidt, New Girl

You Only Lives Twice

[James Bond is in bed with Ling, a Chinese woman]

Bond: Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?
Ling: You think we better, huh?
Bond: No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar. But I like them both.
Ling: Darling, I give you very best duck.

Bond: Sean Connery
Ling: Tsai Chin.

Godzilla (1998)

Apache Pilot #5: [after accidentally hitting the Chrysler Building with a missile] Oh! Damn, uh! That's a negative impact, sir! I repeat, that's a negative impact!
Mayor Ebert: Negative impact? That's the goddamned Chrysler Building!

More from New Girl's Schmidt.







“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”

“I’m gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on!”

“Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!”

"Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. And especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself."

"Winston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this!"

"I'm the only guy in the office, of course I'm going to dress up like Santa. I like it. I get all this dirt on my coworkers. They get drunk, and they whisper what they want for Christmas in my ear, and I use that information to subtly undermine them and control them for the rest of the year."

Blackadder Goes Forth: Captain Cook

[After Baldrick suggests a cunning plan of joining the Catering Corps to get out of the trenches]

Blackadder: There is however one slight flaw in the plan. You're the worst cook in the entire world!.

Baldrick: Oh yeah.

Blackadder: There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil an egg better than you. Your filet mignons in sauce bernaise look like dog turds in glue!.

Baldrick: That's because they are!.

Blackadder: Your plum duff tastes like its a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.

Baldrick: I thought you wouldn't notice...

Blackadder: And your cream custard has the texture of cat vomit.

Baldrick: Again it's...

Blackadder: If you were to serve up one of your meals at Staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her friends for a wine and anthrax party!.

American Dad, Season 6, Episode 11, A Piñata Named Desire

(Stan, disguised as a waiter, approaches a table where 4 Chinese businessmen are dining. Stan, offers the men some fresh water he holds in hold in a jug)

Stan: (while holding the jug of water) Water?
Chinese business man #1: What did you say?
Stan: Water?
Chinese business man #1: Your offering me water, but somehow I'm not buying that your really offering me water.


Bullock: What the hell were you thinking?! Improvising a line? There's a reason I never give you lines, Smith. YOU CAN'T ACT! (stalks off)

Scrubs.

J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here - I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeessen! Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One: If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!" Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.
------
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right, and where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud.
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.
------
Surgeon: Todd, you were impressive in surgery today.
Todd: Thanks man! You were really impressive in the shower this morning. You know, dong wise.
------
Janitor: In my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea. Circle of life.
------

The Man with Two Brains (1983)

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Little girl.
Little Girl: Yes sir.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to do something very important, alright?
Little Girl: OK.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?
Little Girl: E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: That's good.
Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!
Little Girl: But I thought...
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought... just go! Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well you're still wet behind the ears. It's not subdural hematoma, it's epidural! Ha! God damn that makes me mad!

The Dark Knight (2008)

Gambol's Bodyguard: Yo, Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they just killed the Joker.
Gambol's Bodyguard: They brought the body.
[a body bag is brought in and dropped on the table; Gambol unzips it, revealing Joker's face]
Gambol: So. For dead, that's 500...
The Joker: [sitting up and sticking a blade in Gambol's mouth] How 'bout alive?
[Joker's men hold the bodyguards]
The Joker: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face." And...
[glancing at thug]
The Joker: Why so serious?
[kills Gambol]

Notorious (2009)

Notorious B.I.G.: Mr. Webber? Yesterday you said I was gonna end up a garbageman.
Mr. Webber: That's right. If you keep cutting class, that's exactly what you'll become.
Notorious B.I.G.: Well, I found out a teacher makes 24,000 a year, and a garbageman makes 28,000 a year. I'm gonna make $4,000 more than his dumb ass.