Family Guy, Season 1, Episode 7 Brian: Portrait of a Dog
Stewie [to Lois]: I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!
Lois: Please don't threaten Mommy. She's very hot.
Family Guy, Season 8, Episode 10, Big Man on Hippocampus
[After being hit by a shovel by Ernie The Giant Chicken]
Peter: Aw man, I just got my memory back and as I recall I don't really care for you!
[Ernie The Giant Chicken hit Peter's head again with a crowbar]
Peter: Wait a minute, who are you?
[Ernie The Giant Chicken hit Peter's head with a baseball bat]
Peter: Hey! I know you!
[Ernie The Giant Chicken hit Peter's head with a frying pan]
Peter: What ya beef, stranger?
[Ernie The Giant Chicken hit Peter's head with a golf club]
Peter: Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!
Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
Scott: I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never game! I'm freaking out!!
Rasta Waiter: Everything all right with you, man?
Scott: No, nothing's all right. You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad, bad Rastafarian.
Rasta Waiter: These are not hash brownies.
Scott: ...what was that?
Rasta Waiter: We do not sell hash brownies here, we are simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Mike: What the hell?
Charlene Morton[kicking in Mike's bedroom door in]: Yo, what up Dawg![to the hottie under the covers] Get out, slut!!
[The girl, using a white sheet to cover herself leaves without a word, with Mike trying to stop her from leaving]
Mike: No, babe, no, no no!!!!!
Charlene Morton: Come on, come on, come on.
Mike: God damn it and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!!
Charlene Morton: You know, you really hurt Sarah's feeling [he scoffs] you just got about 5 mins to apologize.
Mike: Kiss my ass huh, bitch.
Charlene Morton: You better start praying to whoever you pray to cause it about to start raining bitch-slaps up in 'ere
Mike: Come on then!!
Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of -
[pauses]
Mordecai: Am I on speakerphone?
Hadley: No, no of course not.
Mordecai: Yes I am. I can hear the echo. Take me off. Now.
Hadley: Okay, sorry.
Mordecai: I'm not kidding. It's rude. I don't know who's in the room.
Mordecai: Don't take this lightly, boy. It wasn't all by your 'numbers'; the Fool nearly derailed the invocation with his insolence. Your futures are murky; you'd do well to heed my - I'm still on speakerphone, aren't I?
Hadley: No. You're not. I promise.
Mordecai: Yes I am! Who is that? Who's laughing?
Sitterson: [pounds head on desk laughing hysterically]
Marty: Okay, my turn! Jules!
Jules: Mmm?
Marty: Truth or dare?
Jules: Let's go dare.
Marty: I dare you, to make out with...
Curt: Please say Dana. Please say Dana. Please say Dana.
Marty: That moose, over there.
Dana: Um, Marty? Have you ever seen a moose before?
Marty: Whatever that mysterious beast is?
Curt: It's a wolf.
Holden: That's clearly a wolf.
[Sol attempts to pistol-whip Tony, Tony catches his hand and grips it tightly as Vinny draws another gun]
Vinny: Let...go...of...the...gun.
[Tony releases Sol]
Bullet Tooth Tony: So you're obviously the big dick. And that on either side of you are your balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: "Now dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they're not clever. They smell pussy, and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol pussy and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time.
But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman.
Like a prick you're having second thoughts. You're sinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your guns, and the fact that I've got "Deset Eagle .50 written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls shrinking, along with your prescence.
Now... fuck off.
[Tony sips his stout as Vinny, Sol, and Tyrone slink away]
Roger: [while trying to leave the Smith's kitchen, he accidentally stubbed his toe in a smashed wine bottle] Ouch!!!! I stepped on that glass. I stepped on that mother-lovin' glass!! [points to the whole family] Your all sued when I get back.
Paris: I'm looking, searching for motherfucker, stupid enough to fuck with me.
Cisco: So yo, boss. What do you want me to do about it?
Paris: I want to know what you do to that son of gun?
Cisco: I'll....bust some caps!
Paris: "Bust some caps!" [mocking tone] Give this man a gold star. It is you wh-
[Cisco's cell phone rings, he tries to answer it, but Paris grabs the phone and throws it across the room]
Paris: GIVE ME THAT!!! [angrily throws cell phone across the room] It is you, who I'm putting in charge of this whole operation. It is you, who must go forth, and bring these MOTHERFUCKERS to me!!
