Jokes

Air freshener - because theirs no louder way of telling the whole house you've just had a shit.

I was delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness. Unfortunately I let one rip.

Why didn't Lady Penelope ever sleep with any of the Thunderbirds Pilots? She knew it would lead to a complicated tangled mess.

(29-11-2013 23:29 )4evadionne Wrote:  Air freshener - because theirs no louder way of telling the whole house you've just had a shit.

how about the plops? my plops are quite loud lol... also, *there's

A kiss is an application in the top floor for a job in the basement.

I was walking home last night when a guy threw grated cheese all over me. Very Mature I thought.

With rising prices, I changed my gas supplier today - to Heinz.

Did you hear about the dyslexic angler? He landed a giant crap.

My friend put a disc in my PS3 roughly.

"Be careful when you're slotting it in," I said.

He chuckled to himself and replied, "That's what your mum said last night."

Funny, I didn't even know she had a PS3.

A man enters his favourite restaurant, sits at his usual table, and notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the woman, pointing out its from the man with his compliments.

She looks over at the man, takes a piece of paper from her handbag, writes a note, and asks the waiter to take it over to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man smiles takes a napkin, scribbles his reply note on the napkin and sends it over to her via the waiter. She opens the napkin and reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage, plus I have over £20 million in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back!"

Boyfriend: "Hey hun, tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time."
Girlfriend: "You've got a bigger dick than your Dad."

I often wonder when dogs are watching orchestra conductors, do they think: "Just throw the bloody thing?"

A local drug dealer is going to hold a January cocaine sale?
Its only on selected lines though.

"Are you sure about the baby's name? I asked.

"Yes, registrar. We both think Sophie's a really lovely name," replied the mother.

"Okay Mr and Mrs Titwank, Sophie it is then."

Why is a woman different from a computer?
A woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch-floppy.

My mate got sacked from his job at the Salvation Army soup kitchen.
All he said was : "Hurry up you lot, some of us have got homes to go to."

Every woman should hang on to her youth - Except when she's driving.

Judge: "You have been found not guilty of bigamy. You may go home."
Defendant: "Which one?"

How do you say "Energy saving light bulb" in Chinese?
Ka Ching.

Why couldn't the scarecrow masturbate?
He was just clutching at straws.

Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage.

My neighbour just got out of prison for interfering with livestock.
He's a really creepy fella, and I'm quite happy that I havent seen him in Donkeys.

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I hate doing the dishwasher.

I always get detergent in my cock and it stings like a bitch.

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New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless