Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

Independence Day (1996)

Captain Steven Hiller: [talking to the unconscious alien he's dragging] Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad...
[yells]
Captain Steven Hiller: and what the hell is that smell?
[starts kicking the alien, yelling]
Captain Steven Hiller: I could've been at a barbecue!
[kicks the alien one last time and calms down]
Captain Steven Hiller: But I ain't mad.

Falling Down

Man at phone booth: Excuse me! I don't know if you noticed or not, but there are other people want to use the phone booth here!
D-Fens: There are?
Man at phone booth: Yeah!
D-Fens: There's other people who want to use the phone?
Man at phone booth:That's right you selfish asshole!
D-Fens: Oh, that's too bad. Because you know what?
[Fires a machine gun at the phone booth, wrecking it]
D-Fens: I think it's out of order.

William "D-Fens" Foster: Michael Douglas
Man at phone booth: Mark Frank.

American Wedding (2003)

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?
[Hits Finch in the groin]
Steve Stifler: Bang-cock.

Officer Krystal: Well Mr. Belvedere, its gonna be one fucked up wedding.
Bear: Absolutely.

Steve Stifler: Jim's getting married, isn't he? Holy fuckin' shit! This is major! Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party. Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor. Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass. Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces! Come on, buck up fellas. Show some enthusiasm. It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my god!

Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.
Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.
[smiling]
Paul Finch: Twice...
Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.

Old School (2003)

Frank: SNOOP! SNOOP-A-LOOP!

Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?
Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
Marissa: Who is?
Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.
Marissa: Frank, get in the car.
Frank: But... everybody's doing it.
Marissa: Frank! Now!
Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.

Frank: Honey, you think KFC is still open?

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

[At the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]

Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you.

Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick - 4 fucking wheels and a seat.

Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere, with fucking keys to a fucking car that wasn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.

Agent: May I see your rental agreement.

Neal: I threw it away.

Agent: Oh, boy.

Neal: Oh boy, what.

Agent: You're fucked.

Steve Martin - Neal Page
Edie McClurg - Rental Agent

Family Guy, Season 4, Episode 9, Breaking Out Is Hard To Do

[At the Court house]
Judge: [to Lois Griffin] I sentenced you to 2 years in a State prison.
[Lois gasps]
Peter: [stands up] Oh man, that is bogus!!
Judge: [bangs gavel repeatedly] Order in the court, another outburst like that Mr. Griffin and I'll extend the sentence.
[Peter sneezes]
Judge: Okay, 3 years.
Peter: That was a sneeze.
Judge: 4 years.
Peter: I'm sorry.
Judge: 5 years.
Peter: You douchebag.
Judge: Alright, 3 years it is.

Family Guy, Season 8, Epsiode 11, Dial Meg for Murder

[Brian crosses out the day that Meg gets out of prison on a calendar]
Brian: Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.
Peter: Already? It seems like just yesterday we rented her room to that fly that wants to leave, but can't figure it out.
[The fly that Peter was talking about flies in the living room and tries to fly out of the window]
Fly: Okay, now where now?
Peter: Right there.
Fly: I'm having some trouble here.
Peter: It's right there! It's right in front of you!
Fly: Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem. I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to.
Peter: Okay, then fly, fly out the window.
Fly: Up here maybe?
Peter: No, to your left!
Fly: No, that's not it. That's just more wall.
Peter: How many eyes do you have, huh?!
Fly: Just two, same number as you, but I can't, I'm not...
Peter: Just go! Oh, my God!
Fly: Whatever it is you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it...
Peter: You're right there!
Fly: ...so I'm just gonna go back upstairs.

The 6th Day (2000)

Adam Gibson: If you really believe that then you should clone yourself while you're still alive.
Drucker: Why is that? So I can understand your unique perspective?
Adam Gibson: No. So you can go fuck yourself!
[Later, when Drucker's clone is lying on the real Drucker]
Adam Gibson: When I told you fuck yourself, I didn't mean for you to take it literally.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Daniel: Uh-huh
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Daniel: Wow!

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have.
Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
Daniel: Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one.
Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!

Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?
Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad] I am job.
Miranda: Do you speak English?
Daniel: I am job.
Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
[Hangs up]
Miranda: What a nightmare!


[after seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" peeing while standing up]
Chris: Lydia! We gotta call the cops! We gotta dial 911 now!
Lydie: Why?
Chris: [stammering] Mrs. Doubtfire! He's a she! She's a he! He's a she-she.
Lydie: What?
Chris: He's half-man, half-woman.
Lydie: [screams] WHAT?

Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.
Chris: In the balls.
Lydie: Yeah.
[pause]
Lydie: She's got 'em?
Chris: She's got everything.
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit.
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

Cherry Falls (2000)

Cindy: [frustrated sigh] Lame.
Leonard Marliston: Cindy, come on, I think it's important in time like this, we offer each other some support.
Cindy: I'd like to offer the killer's ass some support... in the fucking electric chair.