Jokes

Man driving home from the pub one night gets stopped by the police
"can you blow into this sir" says the cop
"whats that" says the man"
"its a bag that tells you you've been drinking" says cop
man says "no need I have one of them at home myself"

woman with a clipboard stopped me today and asked me what grooming products i use?
i dont think facebook haribo's and puppies was the right answer!

Man goes 2 a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis,
Lady asks! what r u?,
Man says : im a fireman,
But yr only wearing a glass jar says the woman,
Exactly...the Man says...... in an emergency...break glass... pull knob & i'll cum as fast as i can.

What's the definition of an atheist?
A Glaswegian who goes to an Auld Firm match for the football!

And what's the definition of a weirdo?

A bloke who goes to a massage parlour for a massage!

How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb ?
One

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar the barman says "is this some sort of joke" ?

An assortment of high-powered weapons, and a stash of drugs including Cocaine, heroine and ecstacy have been found behind the job centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock - they had no idea they had a job centre.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Put 3 shovels in front of him and tell him to take his pick.


Got stopped by a copper the other day. The conversation went like this :

Copper : "Where did you come from?"

Me : "Vauxhall"

Copper : "Where are you going?"

Me : "Southall"

Copper : "What have you got in your bag?"

Me : "Nothing"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

(25-01-2011 02:21 )Newport Bob Wrote:  what do you call a man with

a number plate on his head...........Reg
what did his mother call him...........R Reg
what was he when he died............X Reg
a man with a rabbit up his arse................Warren
a man covered in leaves.................Russell
a man with a car on his head............Jack
a man with a seagull on his head.........Cliff
a man with a plank on his head.............Edward
a man with three planks on his head..........Edward Woodward
a chinese woman with a mixing bowl on her head..........Blender
an irishwoman who throws her bills on the fire..........Bernadette
a woman with sick on her head..............Yvonne

A couple more

A man with a spade on his head..........Doug
A man without a spade on his head..........Douglas