Jokes

A womans dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German dwarf dives in ,pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.

"Are you a little vet?" said the woman..

"A little vet"? said the german dwarf, "I'm f***king soaked...

Went to disco last night " they played ' the twist ' so i twisted . They played ' jump ' so i jumped then thay played cum on eileen " & and i was kick out after that !

Two Scotsmen from the Catholic side of Glasgow go on holiday to Rome, and they go into the bar just around the corner from The Vatican and ask what the Pope drinks.

"Well, Signor, I understand hees Holiness likes a glass of Creme de Menthe"

"OK, if it's good enough for the Pope it's good enough for us. Two pints of Creme de Menthe"

"No, no, you not understand, you drink...." he gets no further as Jock grabs him and hauls him over the bar:

"I SAID, TWO PINTS OF CREME DE MENTHE, UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR F****** HEAD SMASHED IN, JIMMY!!"

OK, OK, says the barman and he serves the two pints which they knock straight back. They're not too impressed but if it's good enough for his Holiness....."two more pints, please" and they spend the entire night drinking pints of Creme de Menthe.

The following morning they wake up in a doorway in a pile of green vomit, with their heads feeling as if they've been run over by a steamroller.

"Did they say the Pope drinks that stuff?" croaks Jock, to which his mate can only barely nod in confirmation......

"No wonder they've got to carry him around in that f****** chair all day long!"

New Flash:

Man City have offered £35 million for Howard Webb
Fergie insists that he is not for sale at any price!

Dont like disabled jokes but,

Man laying on a blanket on the beach, he had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past, an English woman a Welsh woman and a Scots woman.

They all felt sorry for him. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug"? No said the man. The woman gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss"? No said the man. The woman gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scots woman said "Have you ever been fucked"? No said the man, big smile on his face.


You will be when the tide comes in, said the woman and walked on.

what do you call a man with no arms or legs who falls in the sea?


Bob!

Did you hear about the Irishman who got mixed up with the Mafia?

They made him an offer he couldn't understand!!

Every night a couple are kept awake by the barking of a dog belonging to their next door neighbours. Finally the man has had enough and jumps out of bed. "Right!" he says, "I'm going to teach them a lesson." So saying he runs downstairs and comes back five minutes later. "What did you do?" asks his wife. "I've put the dog in our garden" replies the man "lets see how they like it"

what do you call a man with

a number plate on his head...........Reg
what did his mother call him...........R Reg
what was he when he died............X Reg
a man with a rabbit up his arse................Warren
a man covered in leaves.................Russell
a man with a car on his head............Jack
a man with a seagull on his head.........Cliff
a man with a plank on his head.............Edward
a man with three planks on his head..........Edward Woodward
a chinese woman with a mixing bowl on her head..........Blender
an irishwoman who throws her bills on the fire..........Bernadette
a woman with sick on her head..............Yvonne

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'