Jokes

I've dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest till I find it.

The local salad packing factory is looking for staff.

The hours are terrible but the celery is rather good.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”

What happens when a microscope runs into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One: The narcissist holds the light bulb in place while the rest of the world revolves around him.

I'm hopeless at cooking, I boiled some eggs the other day but after an hour they were still hard! ...

A film director is instructing an actor, "In the next scene I want you to make love to her like an animal, imagine you're a gorilla, or a lion, or a bear, or something". "Got it" replies the actor "I'll do the beast I can".

My girlfriend told me that I should plan more for the future, so I went out and bought a dozen cases of beer.

Two sperm are swimming along.

When will we reach the womb ? Asks one.

Be a while yet says the other, we have only just passed the tonsils.