Jokes

I took a urine test at the hospital yesterday.

Man, my kleptomania is out of control.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it!

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.

I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss.
I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little fucker was winking at me like crazy!
Disturbed by this, I said: “Are you gay?
Do u fancy me or something?”
He replied: ” No you’re splashing in my fucking eyes!”..

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine.
The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.
In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three
girls, none of whom were over twenty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said.
"I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

A long distance lorry driver picks up a dolly bird thumbing a lift. Half way through the journey she says “ I am sitting on something you guys love”. He replies “ OMG your not sitting on my Yorkie bar are you “

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what
they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this,
and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix thepipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why.
The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes,
before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us

Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned £20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!”

Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”