Jokes

Exaggerations have become an epidemic.

They went up by a million percent last year.

I’m not a big fan of stairs.

They are always up to something

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Instagram”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …

Have you got anything to drink?

Water

I was thinking about something harder…

I have ice.

I went the pet store and saw this interesting looking device...
"What's this ?" I asked the salesgirl. "It's a water purifier for your dog's drinking water ... Only 50 quid." "No, he won't be needing that," I replied, "I saw him eat a turd this morning."

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one."

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and gets it sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

I was surprised this lunchtime, when the wife managed to serve me up a banana that tasted of fish.

I never knew she had it in her.