Jokes

“Have you got anything to drink?”

“Water.”

“I meant something harder?”

“Ice.”

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you

Ironing board.

A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “my wife.”

the world cluedo champion sadly died last week

his funeral service was held yesterday

it was reverend green, in the crematorium with the metal urn

Just had a humbling moment there. Have a fella decorating my house - got chatting to him and turns out he's a pilot on furlough. He's taken up work as a decorator to try and pay his mortgage, appalling like but he did a great job on the landing.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

I like little people, and little people like me.

They kinda look up to me.

Police officer approaches a woman on the shore,

“I’m sorry ma’am, but it’s forbidden to bathe here.”

The woman is surprised, “But why are you telling me now, you’ve just watched me put on my bikini and tanning oil...?

The police officer shrugs, “Well that is not forbidden.”