Jokes

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are

these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are

for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with

twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked... "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said... I said, "No" - excitedly... We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'... I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign:
'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world'.
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: 'Contest for the strongest man in the world'.
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: 'Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?'
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.



















"Who the hell is Boris Johnson ?" asked Pinocchio

After months of basic training the squaddies were given their postings. Germany with it's brothels? The Middle East with it's exotic ladies? Blighty with Mum's home cooking?

No they were posted to The Falkland Islands.

After settling in one soldier asked his Sargeant what they did for pussy and the Sargeant told him, ''You'll have to wait till the spring, that's when the sheep come down from the moors''.
''No Sarge'', replied the Private in disgust,''I couldn't, not with a sheep''.
''Well we'll see'' said the Sargeant. ''It's a very long winter''.

As the months dragged on the Private thought about nookie and he thought about sheep. By Christmas he started looking at the sheep through binoculars up on the moors. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad he thought.

Eventually at the start of April all the soldiers were very excited because in the distance they could see the sheep making their way off the moors, over the hills and down onto the meadows near the camp. Many of the soldiers were running out of the barracks off towards the approaching animals.

The Sargeant shouted at the Private. ''Come on lad hurry''.
The Private was incredulous,''What's the point Sarge, the sheep will be down here for months''
The Sargeant put him straight. ''You'll have to get there quick lad, you don't want an ugly one do you.''

Having sex in an lift is wrong.

On so many levels.

Why is masturbation just like procrastination? I

t’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian

The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”

As if 2020 couldn't get any worse, news just in that Chris Rea's car has failed its MOT.