Jokes

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action.

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open.

Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

Did you hear the joke about the butter?
I do not think I should tell you because you might spread it around...

Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said: "How flexible are you?"

I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."