Jokes

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.

The first one is on the house."

"Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

I was involved in very organised crime.

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper.

I was dicing with death."

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."

"The new site I wanted to join stated I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.

One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose. Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see." She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"

A dentist couldn't get an erection on his wedding night so he used his finger. Wife, "What's this?" Dentist, "Nothing honey, just a temporary filling."