Jokes

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off…

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I’m afraid to pee.

She gave me an Australian kiss.

It's the same as a French kiss, but down under.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?

There's a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron falls off, but the little moron stays on. How come the big moron fell off but not the little moron?

coz

he was a little more on.

John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really??"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating"

My wife said, "Will you bugger off while I'm trying to have a shit"

In the pub the other night my girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.


She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.


She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.


"Your choice," she says. "Pink or brown."


I said. "How the hell can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"


Stupid cow.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game.
They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth
and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back.
Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first.
There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....
”You're pitching tomorrow night."

A new doctor arrives at the hospital and the Resident is showing him around the wards and at the cases.

At one point they enter a room where a man is jerking off frantically. The new doctor asks, “Is this man mentally ill?” To which the Resident replies, “No. He has Deadly Semen Build-up. If he doesn’t do that constantly, he could die.”

The new doctor shakes his head in sympathy and they move to the next room where they find a beautiful nurse on her knees sucking off a delighted male patient.

The new doctor is shocked, “What’s going on here?” he asks. The Resident replies, “Oh, this patient also has Deadly Semen Build-up. But he has better insurance.”