Jokes

Doctors found I had a small torch lodged inside my brain

No wonder why I was feeling light headed all the time

I was told that my girlfriend was having sex with my best friend. So I shot him !
Tomorrow I'm going to the kennel for a new dog.

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says “Mom what’s that thing hang down from the elephant?”

She answers “That’s his trunk” “no in the back” ” thats his tail” “No underneath” The mother blushes and says “Oh that’s nothing”

The daughter is confused so she asks her dad. “Dad what’s that thing hanging down under the elephant?” “Oh that’s his penis”

“Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?”

“Oh, she’s just spoiled.”

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....


Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

I couldn’t believe that the highways department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she
said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to
have sex with."

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

All suspects in a recent robbery were employees at an aquarium

I always thought there was something fishy about the place