Jokes

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters.

Can’t believe I’ve just been banned from using Match.com.

Apparently “My dick”, is an inappropriate answer to the question ‘What do you want most in a woman?”.

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is…having friends.

At age 17 success is…having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is…having sex.

At age 35 success is…having money.

At age 50 success is…having money.

At age 60 success is…having sex.

At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is…having friends.

At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

2 cowboys talking about sex.

1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"

"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind.

Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

I rear-ended a car this morning... The start of a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I replied, "well which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

I thought all Japanese people used Sony, but that's just a stereo type.