Jokes

I've Won

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads: "W I N A B A G E L"

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

I can't really remember much about my time as an artist

My memory is very sketchy

I had started a career as a pilot

But it never really took off

Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison...

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Google is definitely female, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.