Jokes

SOB joke

Heard from a friend while waiting for the teacher to come to class.

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Banking Bitches joke


An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter.

"I want to open a fucking savings account!" the man grunts.

"I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers," she replied, offended.

"Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account."

"I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way."

The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself.

"How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles.

"Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!"

"I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language."

Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter.

"What is the matter here?" he asked.

"Look," replied the customer, "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the cash in."

"Are these two bitches giving you trouble?" quickly replied the manager.

First date :

She : “So what do you do?”

Me : “I’m currently working to kill all cancers”

She : “I’m impressed”

Me : “Then I’ll move to Virgos”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

I was comfort eating all weekend and now my breath stinks of fabric softener.

Just heard some idiot say you can't do BDSM on your own and honestly I had to restrain myself.

What is the height of trust?

Two cannibals doing a 69

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”

To the person who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy.