Jokes

BREAKING NEWS! Carlos Tevez has signed a new lucrative contract with the promise of champions league football!
Carlos loves his new Sky+ package


My friend told me he had bought a llama.
But it just turned out to be alpaca lies.


What have Kate Middleton and Man City fans got in common?
Both feeling pretty sick right now....

This bloke came up to me & said,"Your wife's got lovely big tits,would you mind if i had a feel?" "Sure,mate,go for it.She won't mind."Afterwards,the Undertaker thanked me for being a great sport & he closed the coffin lid.

A top British scientest has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up & down & nipples from sticking out in the cold.His colleagues have kicked his f*#king head in.

Cleavage the only thing you can look down on & approve of at the same time.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man Elite fighting unit called the"United States Redneck Special Forces"These Alabama,Arkansas,Georgia,Kentucky,Mississippi,Missouri,Oklahoma,​Tennesse & Texas boys will be dropped off in Iraq & have only the following facts about terrorists:
(1)The season opened today
(2)There is no limit
(3)They taste just like chicken
(4)They don't like beer,pick-up trucks,country music or Jesus
(5)They,re DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by friday.

A guy was walking down the street when he see's a woman with perfect breasts.He say's to her,"Hey,Miss,would you let me bite your breasts for £100?" "Are you nuts?"she replys & walks away. He turns around,runs around the block & gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for £1000?"he asks again. "Listen,Sir,I'm not that kind of woman,Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block & faces her again."Would you let me bite your breasts.....Just once for £10,000?" The woman thinks about this for a while & says."Hmmmm,£10,000?"she thinks for a bit,"OK,but just once, & not here.Let's go to that dark alley over there."So they go to the alley & she takes off....her blouse,to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.As soon as the guy see's them,he jumps on them & starts caressing them,fondling them,kissing them,burying his face in them....But not biting them.Finally,the woman gets all annoyed & says,"Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah",he replies "Costs too much!"

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"Shit!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.

A guy was sitting in a bar with his labrador dog. Soon an attractive woman came in and began to make a fuss of the dog.
The guy told her the dog possessed a unique talent - it could perform oral sex on women.
The woman's initial reaction was of revulsion, but after a few drinks she started to warm to the idea and suggested that the dog show her its special trick.
So they all went to her flat and she took her clothes and lay on the bed. The guy stood next to the dog and gave the command:
"Ok, boy, go get it." The dog didn't move an inch.
The guy tried again. "Ok boy, go get it."
The dog sat perfectly still. He tried a third time, but the dog did nothing. Finally in exasperation, the guy said:
"Ok boy, i guess i'll have to show you one last time..."

I said to my missus, "I wouldn't swap you for all the tea in China."
She said, "Dave, you are sweet at times."
I said, "Well, I don't fucking like tea."
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UEFA are set to investigate FC Nordsjaelland for match-fixing after Fernando Torres scored against them..
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You know its cold outside when you trip over dog poo instead of standing in it..

A blind man was bragging in the pub that because of his disability, his sense of smell had improved to such a degree that he could tell any type of wood by smell alone.
As a challenge for every peice of wood he can name, the barman decides the other drinkers should buy him a drink.
They agree and start bringing in bits of wood and twigs. The first bloke holds a drawer close to him to sniff.
"That's easy, it's oak, about 30 years old."
Next a woman holds a twig.
"Another easy one, that's beech."
Somebody comes in with a black piano key.
"Slighty harder, that one. It's ebony, but it's disguised well by the sweat off the pianist's fingers and the fact that it's been sat in between the ivory keys for so long."
The onlookers are becoming a little miffed by his prowess, so the barman gets his wife to take her knickers off and stand in front of the blind man to try and confuse him.
He sniffs and sniffs again. "This one's a little harder, can you turn it over please."
The wife turns around and presents her arse close to him.
"Oh, i've got it now. That's the shithouse door off a grimsby fish trawler!"

I got home from clubbing the other night to find all the doors and windows were open, with everything gone..
I'm going to need a new advent calendar ..


I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know shit about cars, but I do know how good porn starts off...


A real man makes his own bubbles in the bath...


I've just been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight...

My cocky little bastard of a son beat me at golf the other day.

"Want me to give you a lesson?" he asked.

"No it's alright," I replied, "I never learn from my mistakes."

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."