Jokes

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, you must realise that you are 54 years old and i have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and i sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you recieve this letter, i will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read:

"Dear husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you recieve this, i will be at the Ritz Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up!"

The best chain letter!


At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.



INSTRUCTIONS:

Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds

2.5 Models

463 Wild nymphos

3,234 Good-looking nymphos

20,198 Who enjoy multiple org*sms

40,198 Bi-se*ual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.

One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial _expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; none of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

Q.What do you call an Israeli leader you can't find using a search engine?
A.Benjamin Not-on-Yahoo.

Apparently i suffer from xenophobia.....I bet i caught it off some f*#king forienger.

"You know why it's called Jackass?"complained my girlfriend,"Because only Jackass' like you watch it." "That must be why you like watching Loose Women then you f*#king slut."

Q.What does a 9 volt battery & a womans arsehole have in common?
A.You know it's wrong,but you can't help putting your tongue on it.

I went to the doctors this morning cos i had a big spot on my chin. He said "For f*#k's sake,Im here to treat sick people." I said "Cool,wanna suck the puss out while i have a wank?"

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.
As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.
That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three fuck off?"
---------------------------
For once in my life,
I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my cock.
--------------------------
As I speedily drove my date back to her place last night, I winked.
"Why don't you suck me off real quick before we get to yours, aye, love?"
"Don't you think we're going too fast?" she said.
I glanced back. "I doubt it, no police car tailing us," I replied.

An old couple prepares to go to sleep, the man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

The other day I tied my head to a dogs tail....
I just fancied a chinwag

I don't like my hands...I always keep them at arms length...

I just took part in the Sun Tanning Olympics.....
I got Bronze

So I went into this video shop,and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever...
I said,"No,just for two hours."

Last night me & my girlfriend watched three DVD's back to back...
Luckily..I was the one facing the telly.

BNAG - that's BANG out of order!!!

After I've had an argument I sometimes hold a Hoover over my head...
It helps clear the air.

A man is ice-fishing on a frozen lake and not having much luck.
A small boy comes along, bores a hole in the ice a short distance away and starts fishing himself.
After a few minutes the boy catches a huge fish.
A few minutes later another large fish is caught, then another, then another.
The man is mystified, and after the boy has caught his fifth fish, he goes over to investigate.
"Hey son,says the man. What's your secret?"
The boy replies, "Yu haf tu kip yr wrms wrm."
"What was that?" says the man.
The boy spits into a bucket. "I said, you have to keep your worms warm."

I don't think my wife likes me very much..
When I had a heart attack,she wrote for an ambulance.

The Shinbone: A device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Never get into fights with ugly people,they have nothing to loose.

Just remember....If the world didn't suck,we'd all fall off.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.
After all,I'm a Libra and she's a Bitch.

I just put up some new shelves,When i finished they were'nt level,My girlfriend started having a go at me."You're useless at D.I.Y,You can't do anything right,you're pathetic.How can you f*#k up simple measurements?" So i beat her to within an inch of her life...Although as she hasn't moved since,I might have gone a few inch's over.

After a night out,I dropped the wife off & drove the babysitter home.We pulled up outside her house,I turned to thank her & noticed she was struggling with the door.I stretched across,my arm brushing against her tits."Sorry 'bout that"i said "That's ok,I liked it" "F*#k,shes up for it." I moved in to kiss her,She closed her eyes & opened her mouth,Our tongues met.I slipped my hand up her skirt & then we had the most mind blowing sex in the car. After,I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum,same time next week,yeah?"

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train...
When it happened...he was chuffed to bits.

I used to go out with an Anaesthetist....she was a local girl.

When I left home,my mum said,"Don't forget to write."
I thought,"That's unlikely,it's a basic skill,isn't it?"

I bought some Amageddon cheese today,and it said on the packet..'Best Before End'