Jokes

My wife came into the bedroom absolutely starkers after her shower.

She said “Babe, shut the curtains, I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked”

“Don’t worry” I said “if the neighbours see you naked, they’ll shut their own fucking curtains!”.

I bought a bag of rocket salad but it went off before I could eat it.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Man phones up his missus and says "I'm just leaving work; would you like me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home?"

He was met with a stony silence.

"Look" he says "It's your own fault for letting me name the twins."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request..?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!"

"FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE!!"

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"

Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season", Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols"

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"