Jokes

I got really angry with my car’s GPS today. I even yelled at it to ‘go to hell!’.. 20 minutes later, it brought me to the mother-in-law’s house.

I’m getting really fed up of people making fun of the obese.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plates already?

TEACHER "billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shot one how many are left ?
BILLY" none the rest would fly away"
TEACHER" no there would be 4,but i like the way you think"
BILLY" i have a question for you miss,there are 3 women eating ice cream cones,ones licking hers ones biting hers and the other one is sucking hers,but which one is married ?"
TEACHER nervously answers "err the one thats sucking hers "?
BILLY "no miss the one with the wedding ring on her finger ,but i like the way you think"

doctors have identified a food that can cause so much grief and suffering years after you have eaten it, ...wedding cake

How do footballers stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!

Why are mushrooms the star of every party? Because they are the real "Fungis.”

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.

Why doesn't thunder like lightning? It's too flashy.

What cheese can you lure a bear with? Camembert!

Why shouldn't you ask Yoda for money? Because he's always a little short.

I started a new job as a security guard last night. Before he left my boss told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.

I am on season 2 already but I don't know what it has to do with security.

I always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough, today he was eaten by his favourite lion.

I used to make these amazing fizzy sweets that everyone loved! Then one day I forgot how to make them...

So I went on a refreshers course

My wife has been mad at me for 3 weeks now because I didn’t open the car door and help her mother out.

I told her I’m sorry but I just panicked and swam for the surface!