Jokes

I often wonder how my late father would feel about the different career choices I made when I rejected his offer of working in the family kebab shop business.For forty years my father sweated his nuts off in his Kebab shop & when he unfortunately passed away as he requested he was buried with his work equipment.He's probably turning in grave right now.

I remember about two weeks before Christmas I popped into my local Homebase to pick up a Christmas Tree as I approached the checkout the assistant asked me "Will you be putting the tree up yourself?".I replied "What do you think I am you dirty bastard I'll be putting it in the Living Room of course!".

Me: "Hi, do you have any porn?"

Assistant: "Sir! Really! This is a library!"

Me: "Oh, sorry" *whispers* "do you have any porn?"

A man just came into the A&E bleeding heavily. Sadly he died not long after arriving.

He really needed a blood transfusion but when I was asking him what blood type he was he just kept telling me to be positive!

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Turpentine vs. Holy Water............

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

He said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

On their 60th wedding anniversary David and Sadie went back to the very same restaurant where they had their first date. They were now in their early 80's. They ordered the same food that they had all those years ago. Next to their table was a policeman who also was in earshot of David and Sadie and he couldn't help but over hear their conversation. David says to Sadie, "I can't believe the old place is still here and it hasn't changed a bit." Sadie replies that she remembers the place and is amazed that the barn behind the restaurant was also still there. David asks Sadie if she remembers what they did behind the barn on their first date. "How could I forget, it was the most erotic experience of my life" Sadie replies. "Do you think we could give it another try after dessert" David asks? "I thought you'd never ask" replies Sadie. The cop at the adjacent table is amazed at what he's hearing and finishes his meal as fast as he can so he can witness this, after all they're no spring chickens. David and Sadie pay their check and proceed to drive to the back of the barn with the cop quietly following them. Sadie bends over takes down her undies, takes hold of the fence as David positions himself behind her. The cop is amazed as he quietly watches from behind a tractor. Sadie let's out a small squeal as David proceeds. 1 minute goes by, then 5 minutes, 10 minutes, the cop is absolutely amazed at these octogenarians stamina. 15 minutes, finally after 30 minutes Sadie let's go of the fence and the couple collapses onto the grass. The cop comes running out from behind the tractor to find out if the elderly couple are OK. "Folks,folks I'm sorry to have been eavesdropping but that was amazing, are you alright? Sadie says, "Oh we're alright sonny, but 60 years ago that fence wasn't electrified.

Man goes to the doctor and says, help I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.

The doctor bends the man over and takes a look.
"I can see a little leaf..."

The man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."

I often wonder if my girlfriend is unhappy with my body.A small part of me says yes.