Jokes

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

At a country manor house, the butler had been reprimanded several times for his behaviour with the female servants, and was given one last chance for atonement from the master of the house.

He promised to reform, but a few nights later, he was not to be found when needed, and after a search, he was discovered in the basement buggering the pageboy.

He was brought before the master who yelled: "I'm so mad with you, i thought you promised to reform your ways!"

"It's true, my lord", he replied. "I have turned over a new leaf - it's just that i started at the bottom of the page."

A boy comes in to school and starts throwing compasses at the teacher.
The teacher turns around and asks, "What are you doing?" The boy replies, “using weapons of math’s destruction"



A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest?
The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love."
Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan."
The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

The Piano Player in the Casablanca bar leant across and put his hand on Rick the american's leg and said:
"Didn't i tell you i could make you forget that girl Rick?"
"Yes..." sighed Rick. "Play with it again Sam."

A man watched intently as the "other" woman slowly peeled off his girlfriends panties and stared closely as she delicately inserted her fingers into his girlfriends pussy.
Naturally, he undid his trousers and started wanking.
"What the hell are you doing!" said the "other" woman.
Sheepishly pulling up his trousers and putting his dick away, the man apologised and thought to himself; Midwives,eh! Got no sense of humour at all,

Tom was a member of his local chess club. In a charity competition which was his first competitive match, he had to play against a foreign exchange student called Mi Meet, which after a tense tactical battle, he managed to win.

Arriving home elated, his mother asked him how it went. He replied:
"Today was truely climatic. I ended up beating Mi Meet in front of the whole team, and it felt so so good."

A weasel is like a cigarette, it's totally harmless unless you pop it in your mouth and set light to it!!

In the woods stood two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing between them is a young sapling. The birch says to the beech:

"Is that a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"
"I haven't a clue" replies the beech.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch looks down and says:

"Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that's a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"

The woodpecker drills away, has a taste and replies:
"It's neither a son of a birch, or a son of a beech. It is however the best peice of ash i have ever put my pecker in."

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

A man came into a motel and asked the reception clerk for a single room. As he was checking in he saw a beautiful busty redhead walking across the lobby. Bowled over by her beauty he walked over and worked his charm on her.

A few minutes later, he came back to the desk with the redhead on his arm and said to the clerk:
"Fancy meeting my wife here! Looks like i'll need a double room now"

Next morning he came to the desk to pay his for his room, but was faced with a bill for $3,000.
"What's this for?" he yelled at the clerk. "I've only been here one night."
"That's true" said the clerk. "But your wife's been here for three weeks."

Three gay guys were fantasizing about what sport they would most like to play.

The first said football "Because of all those hot guys bending over in their tight shorts.

"Definitely wrestling" sighed the second guy. "Those skimpy leotards,and think of the holds.

"It would be baseball for me" said the third guy. "You want to know why? Well i'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, i'd catch it, and i'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, shouting, Throw the ball, you cocksucker!" And thats what i like- the recognition!"