Jokes

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert by camel.
Three days into their journey, the camel suddenly dropped dead.
With no means of transport and precious little water, death loomed large.
The priest sat on a sand dune and said:
"Sister, since we're unlikely to make it out of here alive, will you do something for me? In all my years on this earth, i've never seen a woman's breasts. Will you show me yours?"
"In the circumstances" replied the nun,"i don't see why not."
So she opened her habit and let him look and feel her breasts.
"Thank you sister," he said.
"You're very welcome" she replied. "Father would you now do something for me? i've never seen a mans penis. Would you show me yours?"
"I don't think the lord would object" said the priest.
He lifted his robe and allowed her to look and stroke it.
By this time he had a huge hard on. "Sister, you know that if i insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?"
"Is that so. Then why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

There were two Miami twin brothers named Don and Doug. Don was married and Doug was single. Doug was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat and it so happened that Doug's boat sank on the same day that Don's wife died.
A few days later an old lady met Doug in the street and mistaking him for Don said: "I heard about your loss, i am so sorry."
Doug replied:
"Well i'm not sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time i got into her she made water faster than anything i ever saw.
She had a crack and a very big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time i used her. It got so i could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if i could rent her to them.
I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was just too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!"
At that the old lady fainted.

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Two girls come across a drunken Scotsman lying asleep by the side of the road. One girl said:
"I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She looked and was so impressed that she decided to reward him by tying a red ribbon from her hair around his penis. With that the girls went on their way.
When the Scotsman eventually woke up, he needed to pee and went behind a tree. Noticing the ribbon on his dick, he shook his head and said:
"I don't know where you've been, but it's nice to know you won first prize."

Having been told that her husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman arrived at the clinic, she was told to undress, climb on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" demanded the doctor.
"Well yes, but..."
"Then lie back and spread em, We're out of the bottled stuff, so you'll have to make do with what's on tap."

A record number of couples are getting married today as its a date you'll never forget 12/12/12.
Trust me, you'll fucking remember whatever date it is.

The missus and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she said. "It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow."
"Fuck it," I thought. "I'll treat her."
So I walked her past again...

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Name: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

Location: Throughout The World

Description: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, but with a highly venemous spit. Size varies from three to twelve inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

Symptons: The snake attacks mainly women in the front lower abdomen, resulting in a inconspicuous bump, then a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. However it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which can be fatal.

Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but also open spaces, the back seat of cars, and in fact can pop up in the most unexpected places.

Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. But once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.

What To Do When Attacked, Milking The Snake:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand round the neck of the snake, with the thumb in front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an up and down motion.
3. This will see the snake become aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should remain harmless for about twenty minutes.

I can't be the only guy that mentally adds their cock to the sight of a girl yawning.

I went to a midgets wedding yesterday,I don't like him,just wanted to see if he vanished when he put on the ring.

I f*#ked a dwarf last night,It's not something i'll be making a hobbit of.

I saw a sign outsie a greengrocers saying,Cucumbers(loose)75p,I thought,"Cool,i think i'll get one for my wife since they've got her size.

A man says to his wife "I fancy kinky sex,how about i blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies,"No,I might go deaf!" To which the man replies,"I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20yrs & you're still f*#king talking!"

I am naive,The lads in the pub were saying how good a blojob is.I didn't know what a blojob was so i just agreed so as not to look stupid.Later on at home i asked my girlfriend if she knew what a blojob was.She got up & walked out of the room,Which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.