Jokes

I had an accident the other day with a tool whilst cutting wood, but I don't like bringing it up.

It's a saw subject.

Bad news. My girlfriend Lorraine broke up with me because I was messaging another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire. I had a sex toy business that specialised in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple.

Apparently they hold the patent on selling overpriced shit for assholes.

I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped..
I said, "Jump in, I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

I thought to myself, "What an ungrateful shit" So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking home.

Cooking a spag bol ready meal upside down made a real mess in my oven.

But the instructions clearly said cook at 180 degrees.

A guy joins the army and gets given his ammo....just 3 bullets.
''What's this Sarge?'' Asks the young squaddie. ''I'll need loads more than that.''
''Sorry son,'' replies the Sargeant but that's all we've got.''

The recruit goes out on the battlefield, squeezes his trigger and the bullets are gone in a second. He goes back to the barracks.
''Ok Sarge, I've used those. What do I do now?''
''Well,'' replies the NCO, ''The top brass have been in touch with the enemy, seeems they're dead short of ammo too so what they've all agreed is that if you go out, point yer gun and shout Bangety-Bangety-Bangety-Bang.... then they'll all fall down on the ground just as if you'd really shot them.''

The Private can't believe what he's being told but his Sargeant assured him that this was how they're gonna fight the battle and the soldier went back to the front.

The guy aimed his gun and shouted ''Bangety-Bangety-Bangety-Bang'' and sure enough the opposing forces all fell down and played dead.
He couldn't believe it.
He moved on across No-man's Land and again shouted out
''Bangety-Bangety-Bangety-Bang'' And more enemy soldiers fell over as our man jumped into their trenches.
Well, he thought. I'm invincible. I just have to shout ''Bangety-Bangety-Bangety-Bang'' and even if I'm not really aiming my gun I win the battle.

He started to go back to the barracks for tea and medals when he noticed several of the enemy's men comming up in a huddle. He was just about to shout out when they all beat him to it.

''Tankety-Tankety-Tankety-Tank'' they all roared.

Why don't escaped convicts make good authors?
Because they never finish their sentences.

The world patronising championships results have just been released in condescending order.

Jonathan Ross was caught shoplifting kitchen utensils.

When asked if he regretted it, he said it was a whisk worth taking.