Jokes

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 999.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

My friend recently quit his job to pursue a career in miming.
I haven’t heard from him since.

What's the best way to find long lost relatives?

Win the lottery.

How do you make a kilo of fat look attractive?

Put a nipple on it...

A little girl goes and sits on her grandmothers lap.
"Nanny" the little girl says " can you make a sound like a frog?"
Somewhat perplexed, her grandmother says "Sweetheart, why do you want me to sound like a frog?"
"Well," replies the little girl "I heard Mummy telling her friend that when you croak we can all go to Disneyworld"...

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men.

He said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

I had a joke about bowling..

But I'll Spare you