Jokes

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

I always know if the mother in law has been visiting, as there's always a half empty Scotch bottle in the drinks cabinet when I get in from work!!

When you see an attractive redhead the best way to approach her is gingerly....

What kind of food does a lesbian love?

Anything they can eat out.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

When should condoms be used?

Every conceivable occasion.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

My girlfriend's favourite sexual position is "the Zombie", because she likes to lay back & get eaten...

I have a relative who can tell the time backwards.
It's Auntie clockwise.