Jokes

Easy to Swallow?

Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they
found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris
palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded
cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

Aircrew of the Month

This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job. He
landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an
hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.

From a Stingem employee....'
Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.'
We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight...!'

Then he progressed to the famous '
Fasten Seatbelt Routine'
. What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.'

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants'

His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”,

I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”

How is virginity like a soap bubble?

One prick and it’s gone

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbour's pussy instead.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

Had a call from the hospital today, apparently my blood test showed I have Monkey Pox. They’ve asked me to swing by the surgery!

Air used to be free at the petrol station. Now it’s £1.50. Do you know why?

Inflation

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house.

but the kids still get in.