Jokes

What do a guy and a car have in common?

They both have an ability to misfire.

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper.

Not by a long shot.

Just had an Australian kiss.

It’s the same as a French kiss, but down under.

A woman just come up to me with an unlit cigarette in her mouth and asked
"Have u got a light cock?"
I said "That's a bit fucking personal love but as it happens yes... it floats in the bath!!.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,
"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say,'I wish that jerk would've tried that stuff with me!'"

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by thealtar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last bj of my entire life."

So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then i hear a *pop* .
.
.
it goes dark.
My wife shouted, "Darling, are you alright? We've had a powercut!"
I replied: "Thank fuck for that, I thought my eyes had exploded!!

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in an elevator.

They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a stain on the carpet.

The redhead says “it looks like cum”.

The brunette smells it and says “it smells like cum”.

The blonde goes and licks it and says ” nobody in this building”.