Jokes

I hear the flat earth society is growing in popularity.

They have members all around the globe.

It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl

I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound

Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin.

I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”

Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…

Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!

Oh I know

Outer Mongolia.

One of the few places where your navigation can say, “Keep straight. Prepare to turn right on Tuesday morning.”

so i said to the doctor - will i be able to swim after having this virus?

and he said - of course you will

and i said - that's amazing

he said - is it?

i said - yeh as i couldn't before

I used to eat clocks many years ago but had to give it up, it was time consuming.

Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike. It's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "

"You're in the team for Saturday."