Jokes

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Life is so often like a tampon. In a great place, just at the wrong time.

One day I want to wake up and get as excited about the arrival of morning as my cock does!

A guy said to his new girlfriend: "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice hotel?"

She replied: "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes you from such erotic confrontation."

"Er....sorry....I don't get it"

"Exactly!!"

Two flowers were wafting gently in the breeze. One said to the other:
"I love you darling."
"I love you" the other said.
"I want you so much"
"I want you too"
"I really want you now! Where the f**k are those damn bees?"

Wife: Oh come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: Yeah, well I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you always think of things like this in the middle of the night?.
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband: You get hot at the craziest times.
Wife: If you love me, I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me, you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: I do, but let's forget it for tonight, and try to get some sleep.
Wife: (sobbing) You don't, you don't love me anymore.
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?.
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes darling.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's just fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. And next time, it's your turn to get up and turn down the thermostat!

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Pub Night 5.1, Football 1.0 and Racing 3.1.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.
REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM. . You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under troubleshooting. There is an uninstaller app called Divorce-Child Support but be aware; while this program has had some success it costs an arm and a leg.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the settings. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
A word of warning; Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Never store your credit card details in Wife 1.0 as many users have found unexplained costs occurring, though Wife 1.0 leaves no record of these, apparently for security purposes. Wife 1.0 however, does come with several handy support programs that are not available in Girlfriend 7.0, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

What PMS Stands For:

Precarious Mental State.

Provide More Sensitivity.

Punching Men Senseless.

Protect My Scrotum.

Pitbull in Mini-Skirt and Stilettos.

Pouty Mouth Syndrome.

Pardon My Sobbing.

Punish My Spouse.

Please Meet Satan.

Paint Me Sociopathic.

Pass My Shotgun.

Psychotic Mood Shift.

Pack My Stuff.

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

After enjoying sex three times a day on their honeymoon, a young couple had to adjust their lovemaking when they returned to work.

Both always arrived home from the office at six o'clock, and so every day at 6.15, regular as clockwork, they would go to bed.

The daily sex schedule continued for months - sex every day at 6.15 -until the wife went down with flu and went to her doctors to get a flu shot.

The shot killed every germ inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body, discussing their survival plans.

The first germ said: "I am going to hide between two toes on her right foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

The second germ said: "I am going to hide behind her left ear. I think I'll be safe there."

The third germ said: "Well, you guys suit yourselves, but when that 6.15 pulls out tonight, I'm going to be on it!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."