Jokes

Adele has been banned from appearing on Breakfast TV after She Set Fire To Lorraine

I was telling my wife that I'd just read that scientists have discovered that blades of grass can actually feel pain.She said "nice try dickhead,the lawnmower is in the shed"

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together"

.............said Fabrice.

Magic Mirror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Walking past his teenage son's bedroom, a father can't help but overhear part of a conversation. "It gets longer when it's pulled," begins the boy, much to his father's shock. "It fits between boobs, it inserts neatly into a hole," the young chap continues. By now, the dad is very concerned. "Plus it works best when it's jerked!" concludes the boy. At this point, the dad bursts in. "Son, I think we need to talk about your penis," he shouts. "Okay dad," begins the son, "but first let me finish my technology project on seatbelts!"

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or 'foreplay' as she likes to call it.

I've got tissues for the Women's Beach Volleyball at the Olympics.Sorry I meant tickets...I've got tickets for the Women's Beach Volleyball.

The wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. You should've seen her face when i came home pissed.

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarresment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret, and of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediatly called in the surgeon. "I thought i specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation?" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him, "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself" "The second rose is from my nurse, who assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago". "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from the man in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears"

Bar Joke

Presents for the Wife

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."