Ok......sooooo

Now here is a post I did not expect to feel a need to type.
But it is what it is. I am never shy in confrontation of home truths and harsh reality as I hope this post will prove.
This post is one borne of guilt at a feeling of upsetting not just one particular forum poster for whom I have the utmost respect but many forum posters.

I am led to believe I have a way with words. People close to me tell me that. People I love and respect.
Every group of colleagues I have ever worked with have told me that.
Seemingly such a perception even exists on here. Allegedly.....

With the power of articulation comes danger and pitfall.
I am not so stupid that I haven't realized that. The problem and the worry I have had for most of my adult life is several fold. Firstly a way with words can sound pompous. It can reflect a demeaning, dismissive, patronising tone. By accident rather than design.
I am by nature a proper champion worry guts. That may not be immediately obvious to everyone here. I worry about ridiculous things and quite often when I feel I have run out of stuff to worry about I will worry about the fact I can't find anything to worry about.
This is the insane world of Snooks perhaps unbeknown to everyone here.
At this precise moment in time my chief worry is that I am writing a post about myself. I worry that I will come across as a self obsessed, self sympathising narcissist. All things I would utterly loathe to ever be thought of.
But I digress in spite of it .

There is a long standing conflict that rages inside me and has done for a long time.
How much do I show myself some love? Can I do so privately or publicly without a self reflective worry that I come across as an egotistical bellend?
How can I post strong opinions on the forum without worrying I might cause offence?
These are thoughts that have crossed my mind with increased unerring regularity over many years. Dare I try and argue the toss in a surgical, pick apart manner when I feel a justification so to do.
I have felt tempted to many times on this forum but resisted.
More times than anyone could ever comprehend.
Ultimately I care. I am a human first and a forumite second.
There is absolutely no desire to belittle, demean or upset with intent.
When I look in the mirror I want to be sure I can say that to myself honestly and sincerely.

Of course there have been times when I have argued the toss.
Sometimes proudly. Sometimes not.
I will never claim I am the epitomy of moral virtue. Far from it.
But let me get one thing straight.
The amount of self analysis, self questioning, self doubt in my life is overwhelming.
Often to a point of tears and desperate worry. This is deep at the heart of my mental health battle that has raged for so long.
And now I worry I will be deemed as using mental health over a long time span as an excuse for my every wrong thing done, thought or said. The paranoia is real.
My reality is a stark one. I cry most days either internally, externally or both.
That is the Snooks you don't see. The pain you don't see. The sense of overwhelming guilt and self loathing that you don't see.

The unfairness I feel is acute because too often when I feel insulted, demeaned, patronised, harshly treated or bullied as I was as a child I have generally not fought back.
More times than I can ever care to remember. And now I worry I am playing the victim card. You get the picture by now .

I make mistakes and when this happens nobody is more critical of them than I.
Let there be no doubt on that score.
I see a comment on the forum now and again and think to myself there are lessons I can learn. To think better. To do better. To be better.
I expect a certain standard of myself. Perhaps setting the bar too high.
I sense a relentless pressure of expectation in life and maybe even on here. And now I worry I come across as playing for a sympathy vote.
FFS .

This is the life I lead.
Every hour of every day.
The extent of my own insanity is matched only by the degree of concern it ruins other people's lives just as much as it ruins my own.
I have my own private counsellor.
And I need her to be there. To protect against myself.
In forum life. In real life.
That is not a plea for sympathy. It is reality and a plea to be heard without fear or favour.
No amount of praise I get in life will erase the doubt, the worry, the fear and the crippling self loathing.

I may come across sometimes as a lecturing know all twat. But deep down I am a compassionate twat.
A daft twat too.
A caring twat.
Always a twat mind you. But I can live with that.

So forgive me being a twat.
It just comes naturally I'm afraid.
And apologies to anyone I have upset since June 2010.

In the words of Cheesy.

Peace.

I'm out.

Look after yourself Snooks. We're deep behind enemy lines together but I'm sure we can work out a plan buddy.

Realize one thing, some of what you describe I see in myself & some of what you have experienced, you are not alone on that front. We have many similarities & differences. but I would hope enough common ground to get past this. Not just me but all will see bits of you in themselves.

The self hate is all too common, I see someone who is bright & in my experience there's a tendency to overanalyse yourself & situations. by comparison really stupid people are on the whole much happier. Being intelligent is a blessing & a curse.
If I was a counsellor, I probably say, own it, love yourself, I know easier said than done. In fact counsellors cost an arm & a leg, much cheaper to spend an evening with me down the pub, (you're paying) & I'll put you back on the straight & narrow, although you wouldn't be able to walk straight.

Striking that balance between cockiness or arrogance & being diffident or meek isn't easy, just got to be true to yourself.
Problems you've experience in childhood I share many of those & they shape you, but never define you, they are always there.

Regarding the should I shouldn't get involved in debates here for fear of how I will be perceived is again something I have often & having spoken to others here, exactly the same.
Sometimes I felt physically ill after arguments here & yet despite promising myself I wont get involved or let it upset me, I still do, because that is just part of living a life & its good practice & learning for future situations in the real world, this is still a relatively safe place. I drive myself crazy drafting a post, editing, reediting, must get it right, often deleting it completely.
Without making light of it, I bet I worry more than you worry, I even worry when I'm not worrying about anything why I'm not worrying.
Oversensitive, I'll claim that as well, I'm fully aware of all these insecurities even when I'm in the process of them causing an issue its too late to stop it happening.

Mental Health issues, ticked that box, depression, medication, coping, not coping. I'm well qualified, a close family member who has dealt with problems for years & it will forever be the case. They are my inspiration & strength, the best role-model anyone could wish for.

I will say that our own perception of ourself is often way off the mark. As we all do from time to time we annoy each other, but might I suggest in the main you enriched peoples lives rather than ruin them. The entertainment, the good & bad, to fuck with what anyone thinks.

Just understand you are in good company here with a whole range of fucked up people, & yet mainly surviving & in many cases flourishing.
Don't ever make an excuse for being authentic,

I have some regret I interpretated our interactions as I did. I don't ever set out to upset, just call it as I see it, best everything out in the open, bare no malice & move on. I'm good if you are.
I actually think that my filter has completely fallen off which is a little bit dangerous but I feel much more real. Not making excuses but real life problems have altered my perspective lately. If need be I'll be more than happy for any of you to tell me to do one & fuck off.
Ramblings of the insane...where that straight jacket...nurse

One last thing, maybe drop the twat sig. Let us decide, best not to label oneself, its restricting. Honestly your maybe National League at best, there's a whole host of batty cunts about, you hardly register.

(19-12-2025 01:13 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  I have some regret I interpreted our interactions as I did. I don't ever set out to upset, just call it as I see it, best everything out in the open, bare no malice & move on. I'm good if you're.

Hey not a problem.
Interpretation is such a subjective thing that can set off a whole lot of insecurity and self doubt. I'm not sure there is ever a perfect way of expressing opinion based on intrinsic frustration without causing a degree of disquiet and offence where none is actually intended. The trouble is sometimes I get royally pissed off or confused or grumpy or some other negative emotions and trying to produce measured response that is articulate yet not overbearing and pompous is difficult no matter how much I would try to plead a defence of authenticity.
It's too easy to look like a cunt when trying not to be a cunt .
And when picked up on stuff I often think to myself 'Made myself look a right cunt there'
Doh .
I often wonder whether it would be better for me to be inarticulate on purpose instead but that would not be true to my supposed reputation and would require me to learn a whole new persona.

This is all getting very deep and analytical on my part.
A little break from forum activities will probably be needed so I can vent all my cunty frustrations against a brick wall or something else that might be appropriate.

Probably mean I miss out on updating the Boxing Day test and New Year test match scores but hey some things are more important.

Snooks I dread to think how long your Merry Christmas message is in your Xmas Cards but I can say sincerely DON’T. EVER. CHANGE.!

Respect on this forum has to be earned & you have it in bundles.

The only problem I can see is that you’re not a Yorkshireman but if Boomer & I can overlook that then you’ve done well

(0h & Mrs Agent likes you too )

(19-12-2025 14:52 )SecretAgent Wrote:  (0h & Mrs Agent likes you too )

Brown envelope bribe job. Works every time

(19-12-2025 15:03 )Snooks Wrote:  

(19-12-2025 14:52 )SecretAgent Wrote:  (0h & Mrs Agent likes you too )

Brown envelope bribe job. Works every time

Did you see her laugh the other day when you referred to her as Mrs Agent in her chat box

I did indeed.
Had to be done